Dawnieland

Wonder Nerds, Activate!

2010-04-25T00:47:00.016-05:00

Well, I'm very late posting these, but last week's C2E2 was a wonder to behold and if you weren't there, you should have been. But never fear, Citizens! It has been officially rumored that there will be another event held next year! Here's what you missed:

Nerds in their natural habitat!

Nerds in costume! (This one was my absolute favorite, and if I had prizes on me, he would have gotten a prize. I shall have to remember this for next year...)

Nerds! Getting their photos taken with their favorite artists! This is Guy Davis who draws the B.P.R.D comic, as well as the Marquis and Zombies That Ate The World -- three of my faves! He's a really swell fellow, to boot!

As well as other writers and artists to make nerds completely geek out!

Ben Templesmith! He's the artist for 30 Days of Night and the author/artist of Wormwood, Gentleman Corpse. He's quite a spiffy dresser as well!

Jill Thompson! Artist for the great comic Beasts of Burden (written by Evan Dorkin) and some of the most beautifully illustrated Sandman comics you'll ever have the pleasure of seeing. She signed this Death comic with an added drawing. She's awesome!

Jeremy Bastian! A new favorite. He writes and illustrates a great little comic called The Cursed Pirate Girl. It's filled with amazing line drawings in a surreal turn of the (previous) century style that's absolutely wonderful. You should buy them and read them! He's also great to chat with, so make sure to say hello when you see him.

Gary Gianni! He wrote and illustrated this fantastic comic called Corpus Monstrum that I picked up years ago on a whim. He's also the current artist for the long running comic strip Prince Valiant, so you know he's an amazing artist! I was quite excited to get a copy of his illustrated Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea -- which he signed and gave to me for nothing! He had seen David's show and was so thrilled to talk about magic and spooky stuff that I guess he was feeling generous! And I'm very grateful! He's such a cool guy!

Mike Mignola! A true Fan Girl's geek out! Hellboy? B.P.R.D.? Amazing Screw-On Head? Yes, please! He's an unbelievably humble person, despite his huge success, and a really nice guy. He had tee-shirts for sale with Professor Zombie! So of course we had to purchase them!

Bill Willingham, Andrew Pepoy and Tony Akins! Fables and Jack of Fables are two of the best comics out there. If you're not reading Fables, then you need to crawl out from rock you're hiding under and get thee to a Comics Shop. Jack of Fables makes me laugh out loud on the train, which can be embarrassing, but so worth it!

And last, but not least: my favorite photo from C2E2. I was cracking jokes about it for the first half of the day when we got there and David thought I had made it up! Make it up?!? You can't make up comedy gold like this! We went back to the stand and I was going to take a photo, but the guy in charge that day heard me joking about it and got really ticked off and stood glaring at me with his hands on his hips. I wish I had the cajones to take THAT photo, but I did not. You'll just have to picture it in your fruitful imagination. We did get this photo the next day, though! (Note: if you need to Google "hentai" please know that it is NOT safe for work!)

And there it is! My three day nerd-fest. But wait! There's more! A wonderful friend of mine bought tickets for the Steve Martin concert in Milwaukee as an early birthday present. (Yeah, I told you she was wonderful!) Steve Martin playing banjo! Fan Girl heaven! I can't recommend this album enough and we're going to see him again when he plays Ravinia! Yippee for Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers!

Feast Your Eyes

2010-03-28T20:21:00.003-05:00

Look at it! Isn't it beautiful? My very first vegan pizza and the first pizza I have ever made from scratch. The recipe comes from Vegan With A Vengeance and it is mighty delicious! All the credit is due to the cookbook's authoress and punk rock chef extraordinaire, Isa Chandra Moskowitz, who takes the mystery out of vegan cooking and baking and makes it a heck of a lot of fun and scrumptious. You can check out her website, the Post Punk Kitchen, and find tasty recipes and lots of info on vegan cooking and just about anything else that's wicked cool!

Winter Wonderland

2010-01-10T20:41:00.025-06:00

I love the Chicago Botanic Garden. Perhaps it's because I live in an apartment in the city and have no yard of which to speak. But what I really love about having the Chicago Botanic Garden as my alternative yard is that I only have to pay for a membership and an expert team of gardeners will create a lush wonderland to delight my senses without me having to lift a finger. If I were left to my own devices, me and my brown thumbs would only be able to offer a blighted, withered landscape devoid of anything but tumble pigweed and hairy crabgrass. It would be the Garden of Perpetual Sorrows, and that's no good at all.

The best thing about the Chicago Botanic Garden is that you can go (almost) any day of the year, including smack dab in the middle of winter. This is especially recommended because of the way the Japanese Garden looks buried in snow.

The bridge to the islands is beautiful any time of year, but I think it looks amazing in the snow. The landscape was created to catch all the subtle shadows and light playing on the patterns of the trees and stones.

From the English Walled Garden, my friend the Satyr/Greenman:

From one of the buildings in the Fruit and Vegetable Garden:

Yes, it can get cold, so dress like you're from Chicago and you won't be sorry. But if you need to warm up a bit, you can always go into the Greenhouses, where you can find plants in the Arid Desert greenhouse, the Semi-Tropical greenhouse and the Tropical greenhouse.

In the Tropical greenhouse you'll have to wait a minute for your spectacles to unfog, but once that occurs, you'll find a lush landscape full of colorful flowering plants and some of your favorite foods.

The Banana Tree!

Like my simian cousins, the banana has to be my favorite fruit. It's a lovely tree with a lovely fruit and flower. Full of potassium, vitamins B6 and C, the wonderful banana also gave it's name to one of the world's most celebrated poets, Bashō. And you thought you wouldn't learn anything today (well, er, unless you already knew that...)

Behold! Before thine very eyes, you will see what is the most Holy and Revered tree in all the universe... the Chocolate Tree!

Okay, so it's really called a Cacao Tree, but still, see how its Divine Light shines through to your very soul? This tree is yet more evidence that this is the best of all possible worlds. You cannot possibly be miserable knowing that such a thing exists.

In the Semi-Tropical garden you will find plenty of lovely plants to gaze upon. The ubiquitous Pointsettia, for instance.

Or the majestic Bismarck Palm:

And the "carnivorous" plants, the Venus Fly Trap and Pitcher Plants ! (Shhh... they're dormant this time of year.)

The Venus Flytrap snoozing. Awwww, they're so cute when they're asleep.

The Pitcher Plant dreaming of trapped insects...

The first thing you'll see when you enter the Arid Desert greenhouse is this little aardvark made entirely of Spiderweb Houseleek. The devil you say!

Soon, however, you will find out his true purpose. He is here, ultimately, to serve as guardian to many of the Great Old Ones who are biding their time in this greenhouse disguised as Arid Desert plants. Here's the proof!

And...

AND!!!

Am I right or am I right? Just pray that they devour you first when they return. Hail C'thulhu!

So there you are kiddies. A winter trip to the Chicago Botanic Garden. I highly recommend it after a nice snowfall. Just remember to wear your long underpants and a warm hat. Plus, if you're lucky like we were, you just might find a lovely little message from a previous visitor!

Tis The Season To Be Jolly

2009-12-22T20:11:00.003-06:00

My gift to you -- the most awesome holiday photo of ever! Treasure it!

Happy Holidays!

The Dilemma In My Mixer

2009-10-01T19:55:00.004-05:00

I have been a vegetarian for twenty years. There have been no downsides to this for me, since I never liked meat that much and there are very, very few vegetables and fruits I dislike. The upsides have been great health (I have blood pressure and cholesterol levels that would make you weep with envy) and a very satisfying smug sense of moral superiority™. That is until two weeks ago, when I read this story on Yahoo news.

Let me back up here for a second. I have been an ovo-lacto vegetarian for twenty years. During all that time, I felt that I was doing my body and the planet a huge favor and that by still choosing to keep dairy and eggs in my diet, I wasn't harming any animals. I was right on the first two counts, but oh, so wrong on the second count. My warm, fuzzy sense of moral superiority™ took a severe beating after reading how little baby male chicks are ground up alive at the egg factory. They aren't kept after hatching because this "genetic product" is not cost-efficient to keep around to adulthood, so they are disposed of in the most cruel manner I've ever heard of. The females are then sent to cages for egg-laying purposes, and more than likely fed the remains of their siblings. (Wonder where all that salmonella comes from? There's your answer right there.) And forget about free-range. It's pretty much the same life in a bigger cage. If you have the stomach for it, you can read all about it at Mercy for Animals. But don't click on the hatchery video there if you're highly sensitive. I couldn't watch it.

So that was it. I was done with eggs. Easy to substitute and I never really liked them much. I *forced* myself to eat them because during one of my checkups, the doctor suggested I get a little more protein in my diet -- granted, this was during the height of the Atkins hysteria, so I probably should have questioned that, but well, I didn't. I had to whip those things up with as many spices and herbs as I could think of to disguise that awful flavor. Yucky! So again, no sacrifice, really.

But along with the information I was gathering about eggs, I also got information on the dairy industry. Think that no animals get killed for that milk you're pouring on your cereal? Forget that noise. Just like humans, in order for a cow to produce milk, she has to get pregnant. So she gets artificially inseminated, goes through her pregnancy and gets milked, not by the loving hands of Farmer Brown, but by a big scary stealy contraption that often leaves the cow mangled and bleeding. (Yep. Along with the milk, you're drinking blood and pus. Thirsty?) And what happens to that cute little calf that should be leaping about and bleating for it's mother? Well, we can't have that thing around if we need to milk Bessie. Let's send our little guy off to the veal farm. And let me tell you, before I read the ground-up-chicks story, veal was my number one outrage of the factory farm industry -- and I had been supporting that industry for all that time!

What the hell was wrong with me? I know my biology. Heck, I worked on a small farm when I was in high school, so I knew that you had to start the reproduction process in order to get eggs and milk. I think I was just too lazy to think that one through.

So I've started a vegan diet. So far, so good. Milk? I've switched to Almond and Coconut milk (So Delicious brand is AWESOME and will make your morning Cinnamon Harvest cereal absolute HEAVEN!!!! It's also fortified with B12, so bonus!) and I've found that I don't have problems feeling gassy and bloaty after drinking it. And it's so yummy! I was not a fan of soy milk, but have discovered that it's not as bad as it used to be. It's not so chalky tasting anymore, so they've obviously improved the way it's made. It's pretty good in a vanilla latte! Surprise! So again, not a sacrifice and I actually feel better since I've started drinking non-dairy. And just an FYI -- it's estimated that at least 60% of the world's adult population is lactose intolerant, so it's actually *unusual* to be able to digest dairy milk beyond infancy. You can get calcium from plenty of other sources besides dairy milk and vitamin D you can make yourself -- just sit in the sun for 15 minutes or so.

Cheese. Ah, this is indeed a sacrifice. I LOVE cheese. Pizza will never be the same. But you know what? I always risked a migraine when I ate super aged cheese. It's really fatty and bad for me. And my Nutrition Action Newsletter tells me the same. It probably makes me gassy and bloaty too. This IS a sacrifice, but I DO need to earn back my smug sense of moral superiority™, since I was kidding myself for all those years.

Butter. Here lies my dilemma. I did love my buttered toast, but have been very good and using nut butters instead of dairy butter for a while now, so it's not much of a change as far as that goes. But BAKING! The vegan baking substitutes that I have found all have PALM OIL in them! I have been enraged about the ubiquitous use of palm oil for some time now. I cannot believe that a community so concerned about animal rights would turn to an alternative that is, in my mind, even worse! Habitats are being destroyed for endangered species like the orangutan and tapir -- and if that's not animal cruelty, I'll eat my hat! And that shit is in EVERYTHING! It's easier to avoid eggs and dairy than it is to avoid palm oil. It's in your food, it's in your soap, it's in your cosmetics, it's in your household cleaners, it's in your friggin' biodiesel (if your going about that way). And it's awful. So palm oil or butter for my baking? I *could* give up baking, but I LOVE baking and I shouldn't have to have this no-win situation.

My hope lies in coconut oil or edible cocoa butter. (BTW - coconut palm and date palm are two different things -- it's the date palm oil that is causing all my problems.) I hear tales that both melt the most like butter, but at a little higher of a temperature (which means a little more liquid adjustment for me, but I think I can handle it). Cocoa butter is expensive, as is coconut oil, I think. But I'm willing to give it a try. It seems the best solution to the butter vs. palm oil dilemma. Besides, baked goods should only be a sometimes food anyway, as I've learned from Cookie Monster.

So my pluses so far?

1. My rapidly shrinking belly fat. Seems that not stuffing any old thing into my hungry maw is making it easier to lose that stubborn tummy.

2. No more gassy, bloaty afternoons. It's a win-win situation for everyone!

3. My skin is looking soooooo much better!

4. Things I can still eat that I love: Vosges Red Fire Dark Chocolate, Chocolate Jo-Jos, Tofurky slices, Izze Grapefruit soft drink, and Swirlz makes vegan palm oil-free versions of their cupcakes! Hooray!

5. I've *doubled* the reduction of my carbon footprint. When you go vegetarian, you reduce your carbon footprint by 1 ton per year. Vegans have a 2 ton reduction. (BTW -- I don't expect everyone to go veg, but just switching to a plant-based diet a few times a week can make a big difference, so this is something for *everyone* to consider.)

6. Extra pluses -- Vegan mayonnaise that doesn't taste eggy! Discovering and switching to Field Roast Grain Meat Co's awesome, awesome vegetarian Italian sausage!

7. The gradual and welcome return of my old friend, the smug sense of moral superiority™.

BTW, if you've read this blog before, you know I'm awfully fond of our fellow primates. So if you'd like to help out The Orangutan Conservancy, please visit their wonderful website.

People Like to See the Dead Guy's Hat

2009-07-23T06:51:00.007-05:00

Last night was the 75th anniversary of John Dillinger's death, so after the show, we strolled over towards the Biograph Theater to stand vigil at the infamous alley to mark the occasion. I totally forgot that the John Dillinger Died For You Society would also be commemorating the moment as well!

We got there just in time! A bagpiper was piping and a man dressed as Dillinger and a woman dressed as Anna Sage (the "Woman in Red" -- who really wore orange...) walked past the theater and started down the alley. The guy gave a little speech about how his hat was borrowed and that he had to promise to bring it back in the same condition he left with it or "Dillinger's death would seem like nothing in comparison"... I'm not sure if it was the real mccoy or what, but I like to think so. He was then asked to lie down on "the spot" by one of the members of the crowd. He told us that he would do it, but warned that the last time he did this, none of the photos would develop. Well, Ersatz Dillinger, this is the digital age, so we can keep snapping pics until one does!

As you can see, we got the photo! Vague notions that this may be the start of my budding career as a crime scene photographer began to creep into my brain. David pointed out that in real life this would be much more grisly, and I would probably be sickened and so dashed my hopes. (I'm pretty sure, however, that John Dillinger did not carry a cell phone. So maybe I could be a detective, what with such quick insight as that...) But if you need something inconclusive to make you go woooooooo, the photos I tried to take of the actual alley would not turn out at all! SPOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKYYYYY!!!!

Gundam! Gundam! Gundam!

2009-07-20T22:10:00.006-05:00

Need a really good reason to go to Japan (I'd go at the drop of a hat, but most folks need the excuse...) Look no further!

Oh, and you need to watch the Japanese video from YouTube!

My Cousin Was A Gangster's Moll!

2009-07-04T00:42:00.006-05:00

I've been waiting for quite some time to see Public Enemies, the latest film about the infamous bank robber John Dillinger. He had always been a fascination for me because he was part of our family lore. Why? Because his girlfriend, Evelyn "Billie" Frechette is in our family tree. She and my grandfather, Edward Frechette, were first cousins. I remember first hearing about Dillinger from my grandmother, back in the '70s, when someone called our house looking for background information on Billie. I can't remember if it was for a film or a book, but afterward I noticed that we got numerous phone calls from strangers whenever a Dillinger book or movie was planned. Most times, the family kept pretty silent about her, since giving out information to strangers about dead relatives was considered to be in poor taste. And Billie had been exploited quite enough by the press during her lifetime, so most of the family resolved to let her rest in peace.

I never met Evelyn. She died of cancer when I was about four years old. However, my grandmother used to tell me all kinds of stories about my grandfather, who died at the age of 45 from a heart attack (when my mom was only 7 years old). Grandma had remarried, but that marriage was not a happy one, and she was living with us while my dad was stationed overseas. She would wax nostalgic about my grandfather quite often, telling us how we'd be such spoiled kids if he were still around. One of the stories she told me was this:

One day, my grandfather was down in the cellar getting some firewood for the stove. He was still living at home at the time and his father, Billie's uncle, was outside on the porch. When my grandfather opened the cellar doors, there was a gun pointed right in his face. He heard his father say "It's okay, John. That's my boy." The gun was put away and when my grandfather looked at who was holding it -- there stood John Dillinger! He and Billie had stopped at her uncle's place because a) they wanted a safe place to get something to eat and b) most Feds wouldn't follow anyone onto the Reservation.

When Grandma told me this story, I had no idea who John Dillinger was. I just figured he was a bootlegger or something (there were LOADS of bootlegger stories in the town I grew up in). So I had to look him up at the library. (I didn't even think of asking my grandmother -- that's just the kind of kid I was. I always looked stuff up in the library instead of asking questions. Dumb, I know. I could have gotten even more stories!) I've since read quite a bit about him and it is quite a fascinating piece of Americana to sink your teeth into.

So I was a bit disappointed in the Public Enemies movie. All the actors are well cast, but there's something a little "off" about the finished product. Part of it, to me anyway, is that I don't think Michael Mann did a very good job at capturing the zeitgeist of the times. Yeah, he lets you know that America was in the midst of the Great Depression, but he didn't really show just how bad times were then. People were hungry and desperate, and really, really angry with banks, police officers and federal agents. The banks were foreclosing, and the cops and the feds were kicking people out of their homes. Not to mention the head-busting that was going on when workers tried to unionize. Bank robbers like John Dillinger and Charles "Pretty Boy" Floyd became folk heroes because there was something of a Robin Hood quality to them, a way to vicariously give some "payback" to the banks and authority figures who were oppressing the everyman of this country.

The other thing that bothered me was that Mann's handling of the history was a bit whimsical, to say the least. I understand that sometimes you have to sacrifice facts for drama, but in this case I'm not so sure it was justified. Dillinger's true story is exciting and fascinating on its own, as well as the stories of all the other people involved. I don't know why you would need to change it as much as it was in the film. (In the movie, Baby Face Nelson is shot down before Dillinger. That didn't happen. Not to mention the other series of events depicted at the Little Bohemia lodge.) You also don't get any of the real-life drama that went on, like J. Edgar Hoover being really jealous of Melvin Purvis because he was really smart and more experienced in the field and how he eventually destroyed Purvis' career. Or how Billie went on a lecture tour after she got out of prison to talk about her time as Dillinger's girl. (Her lecture was called "Crime Doesn't Pay" and was supposed to hammer home the consequences of breaking the law -- although most people who came to see her didn't care about that part. They wanted to hear about life with Dillinger!)

The film's casting department got the right people to play the parts, though, I have to admit that. Dillinger was known to be witty, charismatic and photogenic. That says Johnny Depp all over it. Melvin Purvis was smart, capable and resourceful. I don't know if that says Christian Bale all over it, but he's a good actor. Marion Cotillard is wonderful depicting a soft-hearted gal who falls for the wrong guy. The locations were terrific. And Baby Face Nelson really was as crazy as he is portrayed in the film. It should have worked, but alas did not. The script needed work to tighten up some of the story and it just overall felt like Michael Mann's heart was not in this.

So here's what I recommend. Get the book Public Enemies and read that instead. You can also read an article about Dillinger at my favorite site (at least it was until it was bought out by TruTV -- but they still have the old articles up at least) The Crime Library. If you want to learn more about Evelyn Frechette, PBS' American Experience has a great article on her. You should also buy Otis Taylor's album Respect the Dead with the song "Ten Million Slaves" which is that awesome song you heard in the trailer and in the movie.

But heck. If you want to fork over ten bucks just to look at Depp and Bale for a couple of hours, I can hardly say I blames ya, ya big lug.

Chicago Cuisine

2009-06-29T21:06:00.011-05:00

Before I start, I must address the elephant in the room and talk about the Death of Michael Jackson™. I admit that I was not the die-hard fan and was guilty as anyone of making tasteless jokes at his expense. But I also felt kind of sorry for the guy. Even though he was acquitted, he'll forever be a child-molester in many people's eyes. Was he guilty? Who knows. But I think that if he were a pedophile, he probably would have been known to frequent certain overseas travel destinations in order to fulfill that need in private. (Go ahead and ask Gary Glitter all about it.) Plus, there was no evidence to speak of, just the words of a couple of kids whose parents seemed all too interested in a big monetary settlement. Hardly a smoking gun. Was he freaky? Hells yes! But who wouldn't crack under the pressure of being in the public eye since the pupa phase? The poor guy obviously had a self-image disorder and his bizarre quest to recapture the childhood he never had led to some extraordinary lifestyle decisions which led us all to believe he was wacky and unhinged. All I know is, love him or revile him, the dude wrote some solid pop tunes that will stand the test of time. Who didn't absolutely love Thriller? Dancing zombies and Vincent Price all at once? Shut up! It was so awesome! Michael Jackson was also my very first celebrity crush. I remember watching the Jackson 5 cartoon when I was a little kid (what the heck was that talking snake all about anyway?) and I believe the album ABC was the first non-Disney album I ever owned. (It was a used one, given to me by my then 16-year-old Aunt Bev who didn't want it anymore. Or she had two -- I can't remember too clearly.) And my sister and I begged my Mom to buy the Alphabits cereal box with the cardboard Jackson 5 record on the back. (Yes, kiddies, you could listen to music that was printed on cereal boxes back in the day. You and your iPod... Hmph.) But one thing is certain: I will FOREVER be grateful to him for recording the only known song in the world that is a loving tribute to a malicious, conniving, homicidal rodent. Thank you, Michael Jackson, for giving me Ben. I loved that song when I was a kid, and still love it today.

I also want to say a few words about Farrah Fawcett. I was not a fan at all and never watched Charlie's Angels. Even as a kid, I found it silly and unrealistic. (And this coming from someone who watched Planet of the Apes like it was gospel!) I was more into Wonder Woman during that era, because it was a heck of a lot more fun and I had a raging crush on Lyle Waggoner. (I used to watch The Carol Burnett Show to see him too... I KNOW. Stop laughing.) But I do have to say that because of Farrah, more women will be aware of the risks in certain types of sex. You don't have to tell me if you engage in anal sex (and I would not be unhappy if you didn't) but you should tell your doctor and get the extra pap smear. It could save your life.

So now that you have that checklist of Dawnie's childhood crushes made, we can now move on to the subject of this post: FOOD!

As the Taste of Chicago juggernaut flexes it's mighty abdomen this week, I think it is appropriate to talk about the culinary delights that this fair city has to offer. And, yeah, you might find some tasty treats at TOC, but you won't find Dawnie there. I'm not big on hot weather, crowds, and food on a stick. Mostly I'm cursing all the people who are in my way as I fight upstream through the crowds so I can get my paperwork to our Accounting department, which is across the street from my office. So I tend to have my food-affairs out in the wild, as I dislike the zoo-food of TOC and find it lacking in intimacy...

Today I had a sweet tooth that reared it's tiny little maw for something very specific: a cupcake. Now, you have to know that near the Greenhouse Theater where I spend my Wednesday evenings flicking on lights and starting up music cues, there is a wonderful little cupcake bakery called Swirlz. With quite possibly the best frosting anywhere, these delightful little confections are an extreme temptation that one must give in to every once in a while. And it's way worth it. They are mighty tasty and you need to get one if you are in the area. Unfortunately, Swirlz is too far to get to on my lunch hour, so instead I thought I'd try out a place in the Loop that I had passed by a few times, but never stopped in.

So today, Loop Lurkers, I decided to buy my first cupcake from Sugar Bliss. Oh. my. god. This is quite possibly the best cake portion of a cupcake to exist on the planet. I got the Chocolate Cappuccino cupcake and the chocolate cake portion was so dark, it was inky black. And sooooo moist it nearly melted on its own. Just. Fabulous. The only drawback to this cupcake being the most perfect food on the planet was the frosting. Sure, it was delicious. But it was just a bit too sweet. As in, the frosting crunched a tiny bit when you bit into it. Not a terrible sin, but just enough to make it a 9.5 out of a 10.

My solution to this dilemma would be to marry the frosting portion of a Swirlz cupcake with the cake portion of Sugar Bliss and then you'd have something. But there may be reasons that this should be avoided. Perhaps this would be too much for your earthly self and you would drop dead on the spot as your brain would think it had ascended into Heaven. So maybe just play it safe and get a plain old Sugar Bliss cupcake when you're wandering aimlessly in the Loop like you do. You'll thank me and so will your brain.

I'll post other exciting Chicago Food Adventures as I think of them. I know you are excited about that! Try to contain yourself! Good night, Citizens!

Let's Review: The Legend Continues

2009-06-04T22:03:00.005-05:00

First of all, I need to lower my head in sorrow and mention the passing of David Carradine. If you were a kid in the 70s, you watched Kung Fu. You just did. It was major and unbelievably cool. You tried to get away with walking softly across the very expensive rice paper in your art class -- until the teacher asked you to sit down. You wondered what kind of insect name you should take on when you finally found your Master Po. At least I did. I was thrilled when David Carradine made his comeback in an awesome way in the Kill Bill movies, after having made some mediocre/bad films and years of battling alcohol and drug addiction. I had really hoped he had reached an inner calm, much like his television character. I can't imagine what happens to make a person decide to hang himself in a hotel closet in Bangkok, but I'm very sorry Mr. Carradine's life ended so tragically. Rest in peace, Kwai Chang Caine.

And so, to cheer you, Dear Reader, I will review some pleasures offered up by a couple of well-established entertainers, for your edification and exhortation.

DITTIES

I finally got around to buying the new Marillion album Happiness is the Road which I had neglected to purchase when it was released back in October, which makes me a bad, bad fan who should be shunned and run out of the club. But now that I have it, I... am slowly warming up to it. When the band recorded Somewhere Else, they were all pleased with themselves that they had recorded so much material they could use it for another album. That's all fine and dandy, but if you know how Marillion works, they do a whole lot of jamming before a song actually comes out of it. And unfortunately, this album struck me as one big leftover jam session the first couple of times I listened to it. And it really kind of is, so I would not recommend this to the casual listener. That's not to say there aren't gems to be found on this album. The song "This Train Is My Life" is stunningly gorgeous, and I find myself hitting the replay icon for "Wrapped Up in Time" and "Thunder Fly". But if you're only vaguely interested, I would just buy a few of the songs individually and/or get them from a friend. This album is mainly for nerdy hardcore fans like me. And even I will probably end up just putting the good stuff on my playlist, and only listening to the whole album when I'm working on a project. I'm fairly pleased with this, but I'm glad I got it from iTunes and didn't pay an arm and a leg buying the cd (in pounds sterling, no less!) from their website.

TALKIES

Who doesn't love the Evil Dead movies? Bruce Campbell, Boomsticks and Shaky Cam! What's not to love? All of this gloriousness was brought to you under the direction of Sam Raimi. Yep. The guy that gave us the Spiderman movies. But before all the fame and the costumed hero antics and big Hollywood mega-bucks budget, good old Sam was scaring the hell out of us and making us laugh uproariously with only a few dollars in his pocket and a rented cabin as a set. Mr. Raimi understands how cheesy and schlocky a good scary movie is, and he delivers these goodies to us all over again with Drag Me To Hell. This movie is one heck of a good time, and I haven't laughed so hard or got so scared since... well, since the Superman ride at Great America. It's certainly been a good long while since I've seen a funny, scary horror flick, though. (Ginger Snaps comes to mind, but that was years ago...) Don't expect anything life changing or profound in this film. Just sit back, keep your arms and feet inside, and enjoy the ride.

That's all I've got for you today kids. I'm waiting for Public Enemies to be released and then I can tell you everything I know about Billie Frechette and how John Dillinger almost killed my Grandfather!

Night, night.

This is why Lucifer is called "The Lord of the Rings"

2009-05-21T14:37:00.003-05:00

This is my new favorite site on the Interwebs. The article only leads to other areas of awesome crazy. Enjoy!

Aliens and How They Control Earth

HELLO... HEllo... hello...

2009-05-20T14:57:00.003-05:00

Sure seems empty in here. Probably because I haven't posted in a loooooooooonnnnng time. Sorry about that, citizens! I've been crazy busy but hope to have more news from Dawnieland soon. In the meantime, here's a treat for your looking balls.

This Year's Punkins

2008-10-29T22:11:00.002-05:00

Happy Hallowe'en Eve... Eve! We carved our jack-o-lanterns tonight. They are lovely, no? You will notice that my pumpkin took on the likeness of Domo. I have no idea how that happened... Now to devour the yummy baked seeds! Hooray for Halloween!

Domo Rocks!

2008-10-13T21:46:00.012-05:00

Hi Kids! Did you miss me? Well, I've been awfully busy and wicked stressed. But since I've done nothing but think kind thoughts about each and every one of you out there in Dawnieland, I decided I would share my new love with you: Domo-kun. He's the brown monster-thingy whose mouth is always open. (I'm kind of in love with the band providing the music too, even though I don't know what they are singing and I don't even know their name...) Enjoy!

Stink Monkey More

2008-04-03T22:09:00.007-05:00

So I finally bit the bullet and watched the Tim Burton version of Planet of the Apes, and Holy Christ O'Malley did it stink to high heaven! It makes Battle for the Planet of the Apes look like friggin' Citizen Kane! The problem is not that it is a bad film, because I LOVE cheesy bad films. The problem is that this is a really bad bad film. There is no joy in this film at all. It is joyless.

It all starts off with the audience (that would be me) having to make an impossible suspension of disbelief by assuming that Marky Mark is intelligent enough to be an astronaut. (I... no.) But the chimp playing Pericles is really cute, so I'm in so far. He's also the only character you really care about in the end. (The chimpanzee who plays Pericles was wise enough to have his name taken off the credits.) It all kind of goes downhill from there -- and you don't think it can go very far, but boy does it ever. The "script" is unbelievably awful, the "story" is dull and uninteresting and the sets are really, really bad sets with really, really bad lighting. (Yes, I know. The original film had bad sets too, but this was made on a gazillion dollar budget in 2001 -- there's no damn excuse!) It looked like it was filmed at the Rainforest Cafe. Oh, and then there is WAY too much Marky Mark. And remember Nova? From the first two Apes films? You will miss her dearly. The chick in the cavewoman outfit in this film is a freaking retard! Jesus! They should never have allowed the humans to talk in this film. Kris Kristopherson is in this film and his character sagely decided to commit suicide early on just so he could get the hell off that set.

One of the only good things about this movie is the makeup on the male apes. Tim Roth looks absolutely fantastic as General Thade and he hams it up good and hammy throughout the movie. All of the gorillas are amazing and the few orangutans that appear look really good as well. But then the females show up. Gott. Im. Himmel! Did someone switch out the photos in the art department of female chimpanzees for photos of Michael Jackson? No, I mean seriously. Because that's what all the females apes look like. And why are all the females chimpanzees, exactly?

This is also the movie were Tim Burton infamously left Lisa Marie for Helena Bonham-Carter. They both wore that godawful makeup in this film, so it had to have happened off set, unless TB has a thing for Michael Jackson, in which case HBC pulls that look off much better than LM. But personally? I think it was that disturbing monkey-dance that Lisa Marie does in the film. That's enough to put you off anybody, I'd wager.

But leaving Lisa Marie is not the real crime that Tim Burton committed during the making of this movie. It was the making of this movie. He should have burned this thing and salted the ground it was filmed on. I was hoping to find a public apology in the Special Features of the DVD, but there was none. (Unless it was in the commentary, but that would mean I'd have to watch this film again and that would force my brain to find other lodgings.) Damn you, Tim Burton! Damn you to hell!!!

I rate this film -- none! No bananas for you Tim Burton!

It's a mad house!!! A MAD HOUSE!!!

2008-03-22T15:46:00.039-05:00

Because this is the most perfect of all possible worlds, you can purchase a complete set of all the original Planet of the Apes movies for less than a meal out with your friends. (And why should you feed them anyway, the ingrates!) Yep, your narrator, Dawnie, here has acquired and viewed this marvelous treasure trove of simian splendor. And now, for your reading pleasure I present to you Dawnie's Comprehensive Review of All the Original Planet of the Apes Movies in Glorious Technicolor. Okay, no Technicolor, but I promise to not give too much away, for those of you who haven't seen them. You may pause here now to get yourself a snack.

The Planet of the Apes

I was three years old when this movie came out, so I doubt very much that I saw this on its first release. I did get to see it when it was re-released a few years later. I fell in love with Roddy McDowell (yes, that's right. My first crush was for a talking chimpanzee. Why the hell not?) and for years I would tell people that he was my favorite actor of all time. But when you are eight years old, your exposure to great actors is a bit limited, so I'd say this was a pretty good start. But out of all these movies, this is the only one I saw again as an adult (I watched it in a Science Fiction film class when I was in college. Isn't college great?) and I have to say it held up pretty well. So when I got the dvd collection, I knew I was in for a treat.

First off, let me warn you about the cheese factor. There is high grade cheese sandwiched between the wholesome sci-fi-ey goodness in all of these movies, but it really only enhances the er, flavor of your, er... highly intelligent ape film... meal. Or something. But anyway, the biggest cheese in the first movie is, need I say it, Charlton Heston. You will find yourself talking like his swaggering, insufferable self all evening after you watch this. So you might not want to watch this on a first date.

But on to the movie itself. We all know the premise. (Well, unless you've been living under a rock for the past forty years.) Astronauts crash land on a planet which, they soon discover, is ruled by Apes and where humans are the lower (if not lowest) form of animal. Gorillas shoot them for sport, Chimpanzees perform scientific experiments on them, and Orangutans um... wax poetic about them? I'm not sure what they do to humans, but it's clear they don't like them, the filthy beasts. Throughout the film, we see the world through the eyes of Taylor (Heston) who really isn't very likable, but we still identify with him since he's the only human we can connect with. (His fellow astronauts, Dodge and Landon don't make it very far into the film, to say the least.) Along the way we get to meet one of the native humans, Nova, but she doesn't say anything and the woman portraying her was clearly not chosen for her acting skills. Fortunately, there's nothing for her to say and she is mainly used as a dressmaker's dummy for sexy, primitive animal-skin fashions. They are quite fetching, I must say.

The most sympathetic of all the characters in the film are two chimpanzees, Cornelius and Zira (played by Roddy McDowell and Kim Hunter). They are delightfully funny and intelligent and wonderfully empathetic and you'll end up wanting to invite them over for pancakes. The most complex character is the illustrious Dr. Zaius, the philosophical and mysterious Orangutan, played by the great Maurice Evans. I don't want to go on too much about the apes, because their character traits also drive much of the storyline.

It's really hard to imagine how shocking this film was back in 1968. When you get the first shot of those gorillas on horseback, it's not quite as astonishing now as it was then. Perhaps because we've all seen it so many times. But back then, it was breathtaking. The make-up was quite the achievement in its day, and I have to admit, it still works. Underneath all those prosthetics, you really get a feel for the emotions and subtlety of performance that the actor conveys. And you do forget that there's a big honking piece of latex sitting on their face. There is also the underlying social commentary of the film. This was at a time when the Vietnam War was raging and the social fabric of the US seemed ready to burst at the seams. It's hard to watch this and not make historic (and contemporary) comparisons.

Oh, and then there's the shock twist ending. Most people know how Planet of the Apes ends by now, but it was quite the M. Night Shyamalan whammy of its day.

I rate this movie four and a half out of five bananas.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes

That big cheese sandwich just got extra cheesier! 20th Century Fox was having a bit of a financial crisis, so despite the resounding success of the first Apes movie, they cut the budget drastically for the sequel. And boy does it show. Try not to look too closely at the extra apes wearing pull-over masks. (Yikes!)

But still, this movie is quite enjoyable in that Star Trek and Wild, Wild West kind of way. And did I mention 75% less Charlton Heston? Bonus!

In this film, we follow the adventures of astronaut Brent (played by James Franciscus), the only surviving member of a rescue team sent out to look for Taylor and his pals. (For some strange reason, they chose an actor who pretty much looks like Charlton Heston's Mini-Me!) Since Taylor has mysteriously disappeared, he has to rely on poor, dumb (and I mean that in every meaning of the word) Nova to help find him. We only get to visit Ape City for a brief time before Brent and Nova are driven into hiding. (Oh, and try not to look too closely at Cornelius during his Ape City scenes. He's not who you think he is...) So there really isn't as much Ape Screen Time (AST) as one would like.

But there are Mutants! Weird, curiously attired Mutants! And they torment non-Mutants with strange, screechy mind bullets! These Mutants live in an underground city, like most Mutants do, and it's in this city where Brent finally finds Taylor. There's a creepy Kirk vs. Spock kind of moment for you to squirm through, and lots of mutant carnage.

And then comes what is quite possibly the most nihilistic ending to any film since, well, ever. But it does confirm every suspicion you've ever had about Charlton Heston.

I rate this film three (they get an extra banana in exchange for the extra cheese) out of five bananas.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes

Oh, where do we go from here? Well, to the past, obviously! Zira and Cornelius, along with fellow chimpanzee Milo, escape the doom of the future and land on present-day Earth (or at least it was at the time of the filming of this movie). Cornelius is definitely Roddy McDowell this time and Kim Hunter returns as Zira. Playing the part of Dr. Milo is Sal Mineo. (This, sadly, would be his last film appearance.) Like the Human astronauts in the previous films, the Ape-onauts (yes, this is what they are called) lead a precarious existence on this new terra firma, and poor Dr. Milo doesn't last very long.

Cornelius and Zira become beloved celebrities once the news gets out that they are highly intelligent chimpanzees capable of speech. But alas, they don't realize how much of a formidable enemy they have in the diabolical Dr. Otto Hasslein. Dr. Hasslein (hssss!) is certain that these two Apes' progeny will cause the downfall of Humans and when he finds out that Zira is pregnant he becomes convinced that they must be destroyed! Interestingly, the phenomenon "Hasslein's Curve" is mentioned in the previous films to explain the time travel, but we are not told if this is the same Hasslein of said "curve" fame.

So what starts off as a kooky fish-out-of-water story, turns into a dark tale of fear, hatred and paranoia. It's pretty cool how they turn the basic story from the original film of persecution of Humans around to persecution of Apes in this one. Cornelius and Zira are on the run and take refuge in a circus run by Senor Armando (played charmingly, as always, by Ricardo Montalban), who is sympathetic toward the Chimpanzees' plight. Zira gives birth in one of the circus tents, watched over by a kindly primitive chimp female, who has just recently given birth to her own baby. Zira and Cornelius name the baby Milo, after their fallen comrade. But Dr. Hasslein (hssss!!!) is not to be fooled and is soon on their trail again.

The ending is pretty brutal, especially considering that this was a G-rated film. And the surprise, cliff-hanger ending is pretty good. Since it's hard to review the next film without giving the ending away, I will give you this opportunity to stop reading here. If you don't want to know the ending, you shouldn't read the next two film reviews either. (Stop now.) I remember when I first saw the baby chimp in the circus speak, I thought it looked really good. (I was six.) Now, however, in this age of miracles on film, it doesn't hold up so well. Still it's a great lead-in to the next, and in my opinion, best of the Apes sequels.

I rate this film four out of five bananas.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

This is the first "grown-up" film I ever got to see. I was mad for Apes when I was a kid and my parents were concerned about taking a seven-year-old to see a PG-rated film. (Boy, times change, don't they?) We were living on an Army base at the time, and my Dad worked part-time as a projectionist in the base theater. So he got to see the movie ahead of time and decided that it wasn't too bad for my delicate still-forming brain. I absolutely LOVED this one and it is still my favorite. Who doesn't love an ape uprising?

So here we are in futuristic 1991, two decades after the tragic murders of Cornelius, Zira and baby Milo. A plague has previously wiped out all the dogs and cats on Earth, leaving humans to resort to making the lower primates their pets. After realizing how quickly the great apes learned to obey commands, they rapidly turned from being pets to being slaves. "North America" is now pretty much a police state, where all the menial work is done by Apes. In the midst of this, Senor Armando makes a trip to the city to promote his quaint, charming (of course! It's Ricardo Montalban!) old-fashioned circus. With him is his pet chimpanzee, Caesar. Very quickly it is established that Caesar is no ordinary chimp: Milo had been switched at birth and raised by Senor Armando.

Through a series of unfortunate events, Caesar and Armando are separated and Caesar is left alone in this nightmarish world to survive however he can. He hides among the Ape slaves as the devious Governor Breck hunts for him, aware of who he is and possessing the same xenophobia previously embodied in Dr. Otto Hasslein (hsssss!) in Escape. The charismatic Caesar soon becomes a leader among the enslaved Apes and he organizes an underground rebellion that escalates to an outright revolution.

Much darker and more forthright than the previous films, Conquest makes many societal ills the main focus of this tale of oppression and uprising. Roddy McDowell gives his best performance of all the Apes films as Caeser, the Christ-like savior of all Ape-kind. The battle scenes are stylishly filmed and the concrete jungle of Century City Shopping Mall (a brand new, never used building complex at the time) are used to great effect. The future is sterile and harsh in this brutal vision.

I rate this film five out of five bananas.

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Man. The original idea for this film was so promising. It was supposed to be about the downfall of Caesar and how the militant Gorillas took over and made Humans outcasts of society. What actually made it on film, though, can best be described as a big old steaming Primate House mess that needs a high-powered hose to clean it up.

By this time, the budget for this final chapter was so decimated that they quite literally had almost nothing to work with. And boy, howdy, does it show. Even the script seems anorexic. For whatever reason, the studio decided to go back to a G-rating, despite the success of Conquest. So that meant that any of the social commentary was watered down and the character of Caesar was softened to mush.

In this film, after a bad patch where a nuclear war occurred, Humans and Apes are living in harmony, much to the annoyance of Aldo, the leader of the Gorilla Army. He insists that the Humans call him "General" and behaves rudely as much as possible. But Caesar manages to keep him in check. At some point, Caesar decides to go to the Forbidden City to see footage of his parents that is supposedly still available in the old Records area of the Ape Management building last seen in Conquest. (How on earth they're going to watch this in a freaking nuclear fallout zone is never explained, but it happens.) Here they run into the ancestors of the Mutants from the second film. The pre-Mutants are still feeling hostile about the whole ape uprising, or Ape-rising (ha! see what I did there?), and attack immediately. Thankfully, Caesar and pals escape, but only just. The pre-Mutants send scouts to find out where they live so they can make a surprise attack.

Meanwhile, General Aldo is laying his plans against Caesar. One evening Caesar's son, Cornelius, is out chasing his pet squirrel and comes across one of General Aldo's clandestine meetings. Cornelius is caught and chased into the trees. Aldo cuts the branch that Cornelius is hiding in, causing a fatal fall. Caesar, grieving by his dying son's bedside, is unaware of the civil unrest in his own community and the threat that is marching his way from the Forbidden City. Well, marching is a strong verb. Ambling or maybe limping would be more appropriate.

Cornelius dies and Caesar is forced to confront the realities of his situation. Humans have been corralled into cages after Aldo declared martial law, and reports of invaders are coming in. Caesar takes charge and manages to save Ape Village. It is to be noted that after all his swaggering and chest-thumping (figuratively, not literally. For some reason, none of the Apes movies show this most simian of behaviors in any of the films) General Aldo and his minions are nowhere to be seen.

I have to stop here and comment that this is quite possibly the worst and saddest battle scene ever filmed. The pre-Mutants can hardly stand, much less march, and their beat-up, barely running vehicles are enough to make the Baby Jesus weep. Most of the time you're left with just one question as you watch: "What?"

Anyway, Caesar is of course a much better general than anyone else ever, so he defeats the coughing, feverish pre-Mutants and sends them ambling home. This is where General Aldo shows up to shoot the surviving pre-Mutants in their crawling school bus. Why he shows up at this point and not when he could have defended his village isn't explained. Just another point where you ask the question: "What?"

So anyway, Caesar finds out that it was Aldo that caused Cornelius' death and then a tedious chase scene ensues and Aldo dies and then there is some blah, blah, blah about Ape/Human relations. John Huston shows up as the Lawgiver again (he's shown at the beginning of the film) but by this point you are so disappointed you can't even see through your tears of rage and betrayal.

But on the other hand, it is worth sitting through all this for your slice of stinktastic cheese. Consider these mighty olfactory delights:

Paul Williams as Virgil the Orangutan. Paul! Williams! I don't think they even had to use make-up on him at all, since he already looks fairly simian.

Claude Akins as Aldo. Claude Akins is usually a pretty good character actor. But for some reason, he thinks he's playing either Tonto or Tarzan -- or perhaps the film version of Frankenstein's monster. It just comes off as really, really silly.

Severn Darden as Governor Kolp. He's in Battle too, but isn't nearly as hilarious as in this film. And I wouldn't doubt if it was intentional, since Darden was an accomplished comedic actor. Way worth it to see him in those ridiculous red goggles.

The Alphabet Speech. I cannot convey how awesome this piece of dialogue is. You'll just have to hear it for yourself. An impassioned, fervid sermon on the evils of war using the letters of the alphabet. Cookie Monster would be proud.

This is my least favorite of all the Apes films, and it's really sad that the series ended on such a low note. But you have to see it once you've gotten through all the others. Consider it a rite of passage, you virgin.

I give this film a rating of two (it gets an extra banana for the Alphabet Speech) out of five bananas.

Dawnie's Undersea Adventure!

2008-02-09T17:14:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, you have to take some vacation time just so's you don't blow your own brains out. Yes, work has been relentlessly relentless as of late, and I, Dawnie, thought fit to just not go to work for a week as a vacation plan. I caught up on my sleep a little bit, hung out in my jammies a whole lot, played video games, and even managed to bundle up and venture out into the city. This little peek into the world outside my home was to go on over to the Shedd Aquarium, which I love dearly, but don't go to anywhere near enough. (Mostly because it's super expensive!)

If you plan on going to the Shedd Aquarium (and you should) make sure you go on an off day, because this place gets unbelievably crowded on weekends and free days. It's so much better to go when it's practically empty. The following are some portraits of some of my best buddies that live at the Shedd.

This little guy is called a Weedy Sea Dragon and is my most favorite being on this planet. I love, love, love sea dragons and they've got an amazing array of them at the Shedd. They are on display with the Leafy Sea Dragons, the Pipefish and the Sea Horses. (We couldn't get a decent shot of the Leafy guys, but there are plenty of photos out there on the Interwebs.) With my museum pass, I can just go in to this part of the Aquarium for free and spend hours and hours just watching the sea dragons. Isn't he the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

My second favorite guy at the Aquarium is the Mandarin Dragonet. (Hm... anyone sense a theme here?) This is the most beautiful fish that ever graced the waters of this planet.

I'm jumping out of sequence here, but since we've already established a pattern, I'd like to show you a photo of one of the main attractions at the Shedd right now. It's this gorgeous King Komodo Dragon:

He was pretty snoozy when we saw him, but magnificent nonetheless. This exhibit is temporary (only through the summer) so if you want to see this guy, don't dally! The rest of the Lizard exhibit is pretty amazing as well, but we'll come back to our scaly friends in a bit.

You can take photographs at the Shedd, but you can't use a flash (which is entirely understandable). So this means that you can't get a good shot of the faster moving animals. What this means for you, Dear Reader, is that you won't get to see any of the Sharks that we saw. You heard me. There is an absolutely wonderful Shark Tank for your jaundiced eyes to behold. But there are gorgeous Coral Reef tanks leading up to the sharks, and here is a nice photo of a Leopard Moray:

There are plenty of Moray Eels to be seen at the Shedd. My favorite, of course, is the Giant Moray that lives in the main aquarium near the entrance. Since she is a nocturnal animal, most of the time you can only see her in her "spot" at the side of the aquarium. And you can only see her head:

If you are clever enough to show up right when they open, sometimes she is still awake and swimming around. And believe me, that is well worth seeing! She's ENORMOUS!

Some of the more interesting creatures (well, in my opinion, anyway) are the Invertebrates. There are plenty of sea cucumbers, anemones and urchins (and honestly, how can you not love an animal called an "urchin"? I ask you) for your greedy little eyes to devour. These lovelies are Pale Anemones:

And of course, there are plenty of jelly fish. (It was no small feat getting this shot, so please applaud loudly for David):

Then, of course, there are all those whales and dolphins to weep over. I mean, my gosh, they are beautiful. You can't really get a good shot of these guys because they are super fast, but they peek out of the waves at you with their gentle faces and your heart is completely lost. Do NOT go to the Shedd and miss the dolphins, whatever you do.

Like I said earlier, there is a Lizard exhibit going on right now. You can see the lovely King Komodo Dragon in all his majesty (although I think I read somewhere that this is a female, but I'm not certain, and I'm sure as heck not going to check it out myself!)

And you can see lovely skinks, gekkos, chameleons, or this gorgeous Blue Monitor Lizard:

All in all, I have to say that even though you may get sticker shock at first, the Shedd Aquarium is well worth the price of admission. Go on your day off when it's less crowded and it's even better.

Oh. And here's a Blue Tongue Skink:

Dawnie's First Sideshow Banner

2008-01-06T20:23:00.001-06:00

My place of employment is having an employee art show, in which I am participating. I've been working on this doggone thing for months now, but not as much as I should have been. (Don't ask.)

Loads of tiny little dots are the beginning of what lies ahead. The only place big enough to do this was the narrow hallway that leads to the bathroom. This meant that I could stand back and take a look not more than a foot away...

The next step was transferring the original drawing to this makeshift graph. I didn't take pictures of that because the pencil wouldn't have shown up anyway. This was tougher than I remembered it to be and my devil (yes, there is a devil -- don't be alarmed!) was really giving me trouble, as devils tend to do.

So the next step was to start painting. I used basic acrylic paints in basic bright colors, mostly because I wanted it to look like it could go up on a circus tent. But also because I'm cheap and I also don't have a well-ventilated area to work in. Acrylics it is!

Notice how cheerfully I work here! And there aren't even any toxic fumes! There's every possibility I'm just giddy from the height. I had to stand on a folding step ladder to paint the top of this. This is the largest piece I've ever worked on. (Well... except for those stupid murals for my high school prom, but that I'd just as soon forget about entirely.)

More paint. I bought waaaaaaayyyy too much paint for this project, since I had no idea how much I would need. So if you need something covered with purple acrylic paint, let me know, because I got you covered.

You can see my little colored pencil sketch hanging there beside the painting. That's what I was working from... and that's what I used as my documentation for the gallery submission, because I wasn't at all finished with this for the submission deadline. (What, me procrastinate? Sir, I take offense!)

Yes, I procrastinated and was working on this thing until the eleventh hour. I did manage to get it finished and hung, though, even with all the nail biting and cliff-hanger like dramatics and such.

Here it is almost complete. I just needed to slap a top coat sealer mixed with yellow ochre to dull it down a bit (it didn't dull down much, but at least it's got a sealer on it. Which says something, I'm sure... I don't know to whom).

It's extremely hard to try and figure out how a large work is going to look when you can only step back five feet, and at an angle, no less. I was really, really hoping that this thing wasn't going to be lopsided.

So kids, if you're planning on painting a big old sideshow banner, make sure you've got a nice big studio space. Or that you can work outside or something. Cramped quarters are really a bummer to paint in.

Anyhow, here it is hung in its designated spot. (Gallery space number 42! I totally geeked out about having number 42! I completely bewildered the poor volunteer at the front desk with my Douglas Adams reference!)

I would like to now thank a couple of folks for their invaluable help and support with this. First, thank you Susan Harter for your advice and expertise. Susan is a fantastic professional artist and one of my bestest pals on this planet. I'll never be able to paint as well as Susan does, but her advice and encouragement allows me to play in a medium that is a little intimidating to me. Next, a boat load of thanks goes to David for his patience and only a little eye-rolling at my less stellar moments. He made sure this puppy hung sure and straight, even if my measurements may have been a tad "eccentric". Not only are you the love of my life, you are the swelliest!

Anyhoodle, if you want to see this thing with your naked eyeballs, you can go to Gallery 2 at 847 W. Jackson, 3rd Floor, Chicago 60607, from January 12-25, 2008.

Yippee!

2007-12-27T21:49:00.000-06:00

Santa left Koppepan in my stocking!

Gruess vom Krampus!

2007-12-05T18:43:00.000-06:00

To those of you who are lucky enough to be on the Krampus card list -- they are on their way if you have not received yours yet!

I hope you have all been very, very good this year. If not, you might want to try some soothing aloe on those welts.

(I like this picture a lot because it looks like that woman is giving Krampus the "thumbs up" sign.)

"It seems today like a blog from the start of Death"

2007-12-03T20:29:00.000-06:00

I don't know why I never used Google Translate before. Guess where I went? That's right... the PANKUNCHI site. Did you realize these little critters blog too? Here are a few samples of the genius of Shorts Town.

The translation of the text, entitled "Today Is Infallible" from the character Pumpkin-chan:

Karl has been decided.

Do I know what that even means? No. But that doesn't matter. It is beautiful in its enigmatic purity.

And then there is the entry from Pankun himself, titled "Harvest Moon":

Today I was climbing to the roof of Death.

I think the moon is a distant Death.

Isn't it adorable how that little panda is obsessed with death?

You can read more cryptic haiku by going to Google Translate and then pasting in the URL for the Pankunchi blog. (Make sure to select Japanese to English translation!) Because "color facial care is important to me."

Just Another Evening in Dawnieland

2007-11-04T20:10:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you wish you carried your camera around at all times. In case of emergencies. Like this evening, for example.

When we found out the the "Final Cut" of the Blade Runner movie was playing at the Music Box, we had to go. Other people thought this was a must see film as well, including one woman and her family, which consisted of a husband, a daughter and . . . a vent dummy.

"A vent dummy?" you ask, alarmed. "Aren't those the dolls that you pretend are talking when they move their mouths and roll their eyes? And don't they have a habit of crawling up onto your bed and watching you while you sleep?"

The answer to all of these questions is yes. Yes, there was a vent dummy in this woman's arms, and yes, they do all of those things that you mentioned.

This woman not only carried around the dummy in her arms like an infant (she even patted it's back in a soothing, maternal way), but she set up her coat in the chair next to her so that the dummy could sit high enough to watch the movie! I couldn't believe it! Didn't she realize that this is an R-rated movie???? She'll be so sorry when that dummy wakes up in the middle of the night screaming from nightmares. But, hey, it's her decision, right?

A Merry Halloween!

2007-10-31T14:54:00.000-05:00

Here's hoping all your fortunes are favorable and no peanut butter kisses make their way into your treat bag tonight!

Frankenlight

2007-10-29T21:44:00.000-05:00

I was not a little disappointed with Target's Halloween offers this year. This does not mean that I didn't make any Halloween purchases. On the contrary, I found a great spiderweb doormat that has now taken the place of the witch on a broomstick mat that was starting to look a bit worse for the wear.

But nothing as cool as the Day of the Dead theme they had last year. Or this fellow: the world's best desk lamp ever made ever. Ev. Er.

A Halloween Ode to Martha Stewart

2007-10-21T23:29:00.001-05:00

I spent my day baking and decorating cookies like the ones you see here. Not only are they spooky, but they are delicious and nutritious.

Do you see the coffin and the tombstone there? This is the reason I completely love Martha Stewart. Nowhere else can you get a coffin cookie cutter, or a cookie cutter with the 18th century headstone shape, except from Martha. I also buy the Halloween issue of her magazine every year. The girl knows how to rock Samhain like nobody's business. Blessed be, Martha Stewart. Blessed be.

Glorious Weather!

2007-10-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

So it has finally cooled down to proper October weather. This means the windows are clean, the bloody hand prints are in place and the Halloween lights are up! It's unbelievably cheerful in Dawnieland tonight! Now all that's left is to find pumpkins for carving! Hooray for Halloween!

October At Last!

2007-10-07T12:02:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Citizens! I cannot tell you how happy I am that it is finally October! We've been busy little bees here in mi casa getting ready for the best of all holidays. There are still a bunch of items in the Halloween bin, but it's starting to look quite festive around here:

I am, however, extremely disappointed with this weather. It's October, fer cryin' out loud! It's supposed to be crisp and cool. Instead it's friggin' 90! degrees! outside! This means the air conditioner is still in the window, so I can't scrape off the Chicago grime and put up the lights just yet. I am trying to be patient, because my friends over at weather.com have told me the temperature will drop in the next few days. Something to look forward to, I guess, but I want to put up the lights now! Is that too much to ask? Al Gore, do something about this, will ya?

I also worry about the pumpkins (because I worry about these things). I hope they aren't going to be over-ripe and moldy this year. What's Halloween without a rocking jack-o-lantern? It is empty. Of all meaning. Pray for the pumpkins.

But hey! The Nightmare Before Christmas will be released in theaters again this year! In 3D! Just twelve more nights! Yay!

As Surreal As It Gets!

2007-09-30T17:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, David and I missed the boat. We were supposed to go on an architectural cruise, but the rerouted CTA thwarted our plans. So we walked around downtown for a while, and one of the stops was the Sanrio store to see if they had any Chi Chai Monchan stuff. (They did! Yay!)

But I have to tell you what else we found. Oh. My. God. There is a new Sanrio show called Pankunchi and they had the merchandise there in the window. At first I was drawn to it, because they are stuffed toys shaped like a piece of bread, a bread roll, and a panda bear. How can you not love that? But then they had the translation of the character bios, and man, I was hooked. The panda is a little bear named Pankun who doesn't like to eat bamboo. So he is abandoned in a cardboard box. He treasures the mitten that is left in the box with him. He is befriended by Shokupan, the piece of sliced bread, who has run away from the bakery because he can't bear the thought of having jam spread across his face. They also befriend the loaf of bread, Koppepan, who likes to take milk baths. The problem, however, is one of Pankun's favorite foods is... bread! Together they find their way into a pocket of a pair of shorts and into Tan Pan Town where hijinx ensue.

What? It makes perfect sense!

You can watch the videos here. You just have to click on the projector. It's in Japanese, but don't think it will enlighten you any more if it were in English, because I seriously doubt it would. Enjoy!

End of an Era

2007-09-21T22:23:00.000-05:00

When you live in a courtyard building, like I do, you tend to want your neighbors to have curtains. For several years now, we've lived across the way from someone who didn't think curtains were necessary. Which is fine, except that he sometimes didn't think clothing was necessary, either. My brain still harbors images that it saves for future nightmares.

Actually, he did put up curtains once. And it was a blissful two days when all the nefarious activities behind them remained private. But then it became apparent that the curtains were not hung up with a proper curtain rod, but with ropes. Of course, the ropes couldn't support the curtains. Soon they were just listless pieces of cloth hanging limply near the window. They didn't provide much relief for those of us on the other side.

Imagine my surprise when I came home and noticed that his apartment was empty! For some reason, Scary Guy (as we affectionately call him) has decided to move. My world is forever changed. No more computer blaring out World of Warcraft game play or turned-up-too-loud (shudder) J-porn. No more framed picture of Charles Manson or the blanket/wall art of the stalking tiger (sometimes the blanket was hung up so you could see the tiger, but mostly it just hung there by a single tack, lolling in the corner of the wall).

Oddly enough, the refrigerator was moved into the living room. I wonder if they found bodies?

He's Got My Vote!

2007-09-08T23:07:00.000-05:00

Back when I was your age, in old timey times, in order for one to find any self-published manifesto of the bizarre, one would have to go to the streets and actively seek out any political and/or religious crackpot that happened to have a few hundred copies of their latest work handy. Or, alternatively, one would have to frequent Interstate rest stops and hope that there would be a box of these things for your greedy little eyes to devour. Dangerous as it was, I gladly eschewed my physical safety and put my health in jeopardy in order to pick up some of these delightful publications. I still have a few of these gems laying around somewhere, and I'm very happy about that.

Nowadays, what with this whole new-fangled Interwebs fad becoming more widely available and relatively inexpensive, things are much different. It's now fairly easy to find someone's psychotic ramblings at your very fingertips. In return for a monthly tithe to your local service provider, what you get is an all-access pass to Crazytown. And you don't have to worry about wearing latex gloves or that you'll end up chained to a pipe in someone's basement! At least for now!

Take, for instance, Lee L. Mercer Jr.'s bid for the 2008 Presidential Election. The site is reasonably well-designed, it's easy to navigate, and above all, the author is bugshit insane! This is the most brilliant presidential campaign ever. Evah! Clinton, Obama, Giuliani, listen up. This is how it's done!

Mercer lists seventy reasons for his presidential candidacy. He got my vote with #56:
"To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease."

You need to read this. You need to find your reason to vote for Lee L. Mercer Jr.

Attack of the Crazies!

2007-08-09T20:07:00.000-05:00

The street performance today in Dawnieland ranged from amusing to, well, kinda creepy, actually.

Coming back from picking up my lunch (which I, pathetically, had to eat at my desk, my workload is so huge and you should pity me and buy me some ice cream), I met up with the best panhandler ever. I was waiting for the light to change with a bunch of other people when this voice said:

"Can anyone spare... $500 dollars? I promise you that you will never, ever... see me again."

He paused and then said, "Isn't that a great bargain? Never having to see this face again?"

He said something else after that, but I was already crossing the street, eager, eager I tell you, to get back to the massive amounts of paper on my desk.

So after a really, really long day (with your friend and comrade Dawnie here coddling and coaxing her co-workers into being good little boys and girls), I left for the train, Harry Potter in hand (yes, I'm re-reading Book 7, but the British version this time! You don't know how excited I got when Ron and Harry "swept the lawn"! Man, am I dork!) The train was uncrowded, as it is that time of the evening, and I sat down in one of those wonderful one-person seats. I noticed that the guy who got on behind me decided to stand, rather than take one of the many available seats.

And he stood right next to my chair. And I just didn't think anything of it. It wouldn't have been my choice, but hey, this is America, right?

Then he decides to sit down. On the floor. On the car floor. Right next to me.
Ooooookkkkkaaayyyy, I thought to myself and decided to ignore him.

After a few minutes, I feel a slight tug on my skirt and I look down and this guy has the hem of my skirt between his fingers and he's running them across the bottom of my skirt!

"Jesus Christ! I've got frickin' Frank Booth sitting next to me!" I think to myself. So now it's a matter of completely freaking out or dealing with this.

So I looked right at him and with the most indignant voice I could muster said,
"Do you MIND?!?!?"

The guy doesn't look up at me, but nods his head, gets up off the floor and walks off into the next train car.

Honestly!

Pushing My Percentage Limit

2007-08-06T20:00:00.000-05:00

Be warned, Dear Reader! I know I've promised that this blog would remain 98% Magic-Free , but this post contains much about (shudder) Magic! It may be best to place a cold towel on your face to prevent nosebleeds if you dast read further.

In case you hadn't realized this, Michigan, apparently, is the less populous answer to Las Vegas when it comes to Magic. David and I drove up, initially for the day, to a small town called Marshall to see the American Museum of Magic, and then to an even smaller town with the unfortunate name of Colon, which dubs itself "the magic capital of the world".

The American Museum of Magic is well worth seeing if you find yourself in the Battle Creek area of the state. There's loads of neat stuff in there (like the Houdini equipment pictured here) and the staff is friendly and enthusiastic. There's even an old library behind the museum that you can use for your research project that's packed full of letters, manuscripts and books about magicians, past and present. Neat stuff!

After a dreadful dinner at the local Applebee's (bleah!), we drove down to Colon to take in the annual show for the Abbott's gathering, mainly to see our friend Arthur headline the show. We sat through some painful acts before Arthur (who was fabulous, by the way) performed. (Yes, Arthur, we suffered for you! I hope you appreciate the sacrifice!!) The setup in the town is kind of sweet, though. These people have been throwing this hoo-hah for 70 years, and you can tell it's a big deal for this town. The local High School hosts the gala show on their gymnasium stage (their mascot is a rabbit wearing a top hat and the team name is The Magi), the auction and dealer room is in the Jr. High building, and the host area is at the local American Legion post. There are planters shaped like top hats with wire bunnies coming out of them. It's a hoot!

But the best thing was the cemetery where many famous magicians are buried. We drove out there around 11:00 at night, flashlights in hand, and started hunting for dead magicians. They're pretty easy to find, since there are helpful white posts in front of magician graves. Here you can see the grave of the Blackstone of legend and song. The cemetery is a short drive from the center of town and I cannot for the life of me remember the name of it. But very cool to go to, especially at night! I'm kind of amazed that they let people in there after dark -- you'll never see that here in Chicago!

Speaking of cemeteries, we ended up staying in Michigan overnight, because one of the fellows at the American Museum of Magic told us that he found Henry Slade's grave! We were so excited, we booked a cheap room at the local murder motel* in Marshall, and headed over to a town called Albion the next day.

Riverside Cemetery is absolutely gorgeous. A classic Victorian park cemetery, Riverside has a wonderful gatehouse built in a very pretty sandstone, and though there are very few mausoleums, the headstones are handsome, though worn with age and peppered with lichen. And just inside the gates, you can visit one of the most fascinating spirit mediums that walked this earthly plane. To read more about Henry Slade and the cemetery in Albion, you can visit my new blog space here. This was indeed worth the trip to Michigan.

*Definition of a murder motel: the kind of motel where murderers take their victims (because it's cheap enough, and out of the way enough) so they can do their vile deeds and pack the body in the trunk of the car to dump it in the ditch of a lonely stretch of road. Not that I think about these things.

It Is Finished

2007-07-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

I just finished the last Harry Potter book. I'm going to go to my room and cry now.

Let's Review Some More

2007-07-18T21:38:00.000-05:00

My inner child is mildly autistic, and sometimes I have to submit to some of the more deranged whims of this imaginary person. You see, my psyche brat (whom I refer to as "Trevor") likes to eat dinners made up of food that begins with the same letter. Well, "Trevor" was especially demanding this evening, and so I acquiesced and ate a dinner consisting of the following foods: Cashews, cherries, crackers, cheddar cheese and cherry cider. Thus satiated, I can get on with my life. Such as it is.

So let's get on to the reviews!

Moving Pictures

Transformers Though this film drags a bit when the story is revolving around the puny humans (and that chick who plays the girl human -- her entire emotional range consists of basically two expressions -- bored and mildly amused. The robots were more emotive than she was! Plus those fakey long eyelashes that pointed straight up to her eyebrows were freaking me out!) But when the 'bots finally show up, boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!!! Giant robot smackdown! Plus, Optimus Prime is a total badass! I thought for sure I'd be a Megatron girl through and through (because he's mondo cool-looking and he's voiced by Hugo Weaving), but Optimus Prime completely stole my heart. Don't expect High Art. This movie is based on an '80s cartoon that was primarily made to sell toys to susceptible children (Hasbro is in the credits, dear). Leave your brain at the door and have a good time.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Let me start this by saying that Order of the Phoenix is my least favorite book in the HP series. It's overly long and Harry's all surly and unpleasant and Sirius is a big grump too and the whole Cho Chang romance thing is kind of insufferable... But this. movie. rocks. Why? Well, pull up a chair, Dear Reader, and let me 'splain.

1) Screenwriter Michael Goldenberg was able to cut away to the real meat of the story. And when it's whittled down to the essentials, this story is riveting and engrossing. (And timely, considering the current New World Disorder.)

2) This film is the first one just for the initiated. Yep, this means that if you haven't read the books, you'll probably have a tough time following the story. C'mon people! This is the fifth movie! If you're not on board yet, get off the platform! Kudos to David Yates to being the first director to reward the faithful.

3) The film medium is used to it's fullest potential: Plot lines are shown and not narrated, mood is evoked with lighting and camera angles. You really have to pay attention and keep up, and I appreciate that. I won't go into too many details here, because of the possible spoilers and the ensuing angry mob that comes with such indiscretions. But I will tell you that the movie starts out very bright and super-saturated . . . until the Dementors arrive. And then it gets very dark and it stays dark throughout the movie. A clue to the events yet to come.

4) Ron finally gets some dignity. Thank god!

This is an excellent, excellent film. I'm going to see it again. But this time, I might go see the IMAX version because of the 3D ending! Because I'm a dork!

Recordings

Somewhere Else by Marillion. Marillion is one of those bands that most people are surprised are still together, if they remember them at all. And because people like labels, Marillion gets pigeon-holed as a prog-rock throwback from the '80s, unfortunately. But they are one of those bands that really defy categorization. Their music is dense and versatile and it's hard to tell an outsider what they sound like. Because they sound like Marillion. But I will say this: this is the kind of music that sounds best when you turn off the lights and listen with the headphones on.

Somewhere Else is Marillion's 14th album, and the 10th with lead singer Steve Hogarth. (It is a follow up to the outstanding Marbles from 2004, which is really worth checking out if you are unfamiliar with them.) Though it suffers from being the follow-up to one of their magnum opus releases (and fans will know what I mean when I list Clutching at Straws and Afraid of Sunlight as follow-up albums) which means it has a lot to live up to. However, this work fairs well on its own. The songs are intense and emotional and the sound is a bit more stripped down than Marbles, but still wonderfully full. As most Marillion fans know, Steve Hogarth likes to write really, really personal songs. The songs are so personal, that when I see the band live, I have a hard time looking at him, because I feel guilty. Like I read his diary without permission, or accidentally walked in on him in the toilet. Or something. On the other hand, this songwriting style also leads to truly gorgeous, powerful songs. It also helps that Steve Rothery is probably the best guitarist you've never heard of. In fact, he's better than most of the one's you have heard of. Not as gorgeous as Marbles, but still a fabulous album.

Favorite tracks: "The Other Half of the Sky" and "Somewhere Else"

Oh, Perilous World by Rasputina. Another band that gets erroneously labeled, Rasputina is often dismissed as a "goth band", mainly because the costume is 19th century and the instrument of choice is the cello. But you would be remiss in forming such a biased opinion. Though portrayed to the public as a band, Rasputina is the handiwork of that mad genius Melora Creager. Always innovative and truly interesting, Miss Melora performs inspired experiments on non-rock oriented musical instruments such as the glockenspiel, the dulcimer and (of course) the cello, and is almost always successful. Each new album is always a delightful surprise. And she can rock the hell out of a cello. (If you don't believe me, go to CD Baby and listen to Rasputina's rendition of "Barracuda", you're so smart.)

Oh, Perilous World is no exception. In fact, I can't get over how stunningly brilliant this album is. Structured as if it were a soundtrack to an existing Broadway Musical, OPW tells a story that is a crazy mishmash of historical events, current headlines and Melora's fertile imagination. (Queen Mary Todd declares war against the descendants of the Bounty Mutineers and sends her army of blimps to invade Pitcairn Island!) But what on the surface seems like a goofy alternate universe is in reality a sharp political satire of the current world situation. Some of the lyrics are culled directly from news articles. For example, Thursday October Christian's impassioned show-stopping song "Choose Me For Your Champion" is made up of quotes attributed to Osama bin Laden. And the track "We Stay Behind" uses headlines, first-hand accounts and imagery from the Hurricane Katrina disaster and its aftermath. (If you remember any of the news footage from those awful weeks, this song will break your heart.) The veiled political criticism of this work feels as if it's a construction of what art and theater would be like if we lived in a regime that suppressed dissenters.

Hey... wait a minute!

It's hard not to listen to this from beginning to end, because the story is woven so expertly and fancifully, with a knowing wink that tells you it's about something else entirely. But I have to say that my favorite tracks are "1816, The Year Without A Summer", "In Old Yellowcake", and "Oh Bring Back the Egg Unbroken" (which describes the Birdman Cult ritual from Easter Island).

I can't recommend this album highly enough. But with a warning: Rasputina is like nothing you've ever heard before. Melora's voice is odd and sometimes she takes it to places it doesn't want to go. But she pushes it to achieve her goal and most of the time she succeeds gloriously. The cello is not what you will expect. Oh, sure there are the lovely classically inspired pieces, but along with it you'll get a good dose of jazz, blues and hard core rock. It may take you a few listens before you warm up to it. As one reviewer said on NWsource.com (unfortunately, the article is no longer up) "Rasputina . . . is an acquired taste that's worth acquiring".

Poetry Corner

As I was taking a crowded, hot and unpleasant train ride home one evening last week on the El, I raised my eyes up to the adverts to avoid my neighbor's halitosis. Up there was an ad that said "A gourmet kitchen can really improve your outlook" and had a photo of a frying pan with eggs and sausage inside it arranged into a smiley face (like how you do with your breakfast). On the side of this picture was this hand-written poem:

Everytime I see
you I laugh. When
you walk I smile.
For some reason I've
found retarded
people funny.

Well, goodnight citizens! This has been an epic blog posting for me and now I need a lie down.

This Is What Evil Looks Like

2007-06-21T06:39:00.000-05:00

This is my niece, Hazel. Adorable, is she not? But, Dear Reader, beware! She is an energy sucking vampire demon from the depths of the netherworld! Run for your ever-lovin' life! It's not that she's a bad kid or anything. On the contrary, she is a smart, funny and very polite child and I'm quite proud of that. It's just that she never sleeps! I took care of this little tyke for four days last month and it nearly killed me.

You may have noticed that I, Dawnie, have been AWOL from Dawnieland for quite some time. As I've said, I had to recover from the niece experience and soon afterward, I got the most hellish viral illness that I've had in a very long time. I'm STILL coughing! (Infrequently, I'm happy to report.) But this may be a combination of allergies, unseasonably warm weather and miscellaneous apocalyptic signs and portents.

I've also been sucked into the geeky mega-faux-world of Oblivion. I've just finished a quest to recover six bottles of wine! Awesome!

One more thing. I pride myself in keeping this blog 98% magic-free, so I feel it's okay to tell you to go and see The Magic Cabaret at the Biograph theater. It's extremely good. Plus, Jesus will let you into Heaven if you call and reserve your tickets for this show. It's true!

I KNEW it!!!

2007-04-29T18:10:00.000-05:00

Art Humor

2007-04-02T19:49:00.000-05:00

Ceci n'est pas une peep.

I Had A Dream

2007-03-19T21:41:00.000-05:00

I frequently have very, very odd dreams. But I don't often remember them too clearly, if at all. But last night I was treated to a doozy, which I will share with you, Dear Reader, as you ready for your trip to Slumberland.

I was dreaming that we were sharing our planet with space aliens (all of whom looked just like the Great Gazoo from the Flintstones, incidentally), and these aliens had built these cavernous libraries to share their language with us. Many earth linguists had learned this language and would spend their time in these libraries translating the text. These aliens didn't use paper, though. The text was buried in this green liquid goo that fell continuously from the walls in the said cavernous library. The linguists would have to thrust their hands into the goo and feel the characters as they fell downward.

It just so happens that one of these linguists stumbled upon a hidden code that basically spelled out that these aliens had a hidden agenda and were really here to capture and enslave our planet! What would start all this was a hidden symbol or "key" buried in the falling text. So he gathered all the linguists and they desperately tried to find this key so that they could attempt to stop the impending doom.

Well, the aliens got word of this, so they kidnapped the linguist-hero and took him to the mother ship and changed him into one of them! Except that you could tell he wasn't one of them because he wasn't green. His skin color was still white-guy pasty-pale. Oh, those aliens were vexed!

So while the aliens were trying to finish him off and carry on with their devious plan . . . my alarm went off.

Talk about a cliffhanger!

Where The Hell Have I Been?

2007-03-15T20:29:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure, but along the way, I needed to pick up some socks. As you can tell from the picture to the left, it was easy to distinguish which ones were the socks for women, because of the color. A delicate flowery hue to surround and comfort your smelly, sweaty old hooves.

What I really like about this packaging is the whimsical use of the apostrophe. I wonder how long they played around with this before deciding to put it before the "O"? It could have been "Bago S'ocks" or "Bagos 'Ocks" or "Bagos O'cks". I guess they thought this would be the most creative use (in a Deconstructionist way) of punctuation. But for $6 bucks, I'm not going to question the artistic merit of this piece.

Speaking of Art, I was treated to a CTA Performance today. This one was actually Performance Art done on purpose! This guy stood up in the train car and announced "Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention please. I am not a solicitor, nor am I affiliated with an organization in any way. I just want you all to know that I have a bag of candy and gum with me, and if you would like some, you are welcome to it. I just thought it would be a nice thing to do on a Thursday. And I apologize if I startled or made any of you uncomfortable. Thank you." And then he sang a song in Spanish! It was awesome!

I didn't take any candy though.

Oh You Kid!

2007-02-14T20:10:00.000-06:00

I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day. What with all the butt-angels and jewelry demands, it gets to be a bit stomach-churning. But there are a few details I like and one of them is those chalk-flavored Conversation Hearts that come in a myriad of pastel colors. Oh, sure, they taste like study hall, but you can write a surreal little poem and then -- eat your words! It's a beautiful thing. Plus, those little buggers are supposed to stay fresh for five years!!! (So keep that in mind when you're stocking your bomb shelter.)

I call this little piece pictured above Five Seconds Dedicated to Borat. I hope you love it. (It was certainly tasty.)

So Happy Valentine's Day to all you citizens out there in Dawnieland! Please don't take the holiday seriously and decide to celebrate by torturing or beheading anyone. Just stick with the candy haiku, okay? I do, however, have a wonderful movie recommendation for this Holiday for Star-Crossed Lovers: Natural Born Killers.

CTA

2007-02-07T19:25:00.000-06:00

When you ride the El every day, you get used to a certain bouquet. I think the scientific term is Certain Train Aromas (CTA). These miasmas consist mostly of the usual human tang of halitosis, armpit essence, cheap perfume and urine. Occasionally you get the individual whose personal fragrance consists heavily of garlic or curry (which I don't mind so much and say good for them for eating well)! It's what we as a species experience on our great journey on the star ship Earth.

Sometimes it's rather perplexing though.

Yesterday, a man sat down next to me who smelled of . . . ketchup. It was just so unexpected that it was surreal. My brain was trying to make sense of it all. It kept asking me questions like: "How much ketchup do you need to eat before you start smelling like that?" or "Do you think he was walking his dog and they got sprayed by a skunk and due to the lack of tomato juice in his pantry he resorted to soaking in ketchup?" or "Do you think he works in a ketchup factory? Is there a ketchup factory in the Loop?" or "Maybe he's a condiment connoisseur and you should ask him which ketchup he recommends?" and finally "Is it ketchup or catsup?"

I like the fact that we're still animal enough that scent can get the brain curious. Oh sure, we all take sight for granted (those of us lucky enough to still have ours) and tactile experience is still important to us all. But I think we underestimate the power of our noses.

With that in mind, I recommend the movie and book Perfume.

Paul Reubens is GOD!!!

2007-02-01T22:17:00.000-06:00

I don't watch television much. After Buffy the Vampire Slayer was cancelled, I watched Angel until it too was dispatched. (Alas.) To tell you the truth, I don't miss the TeeVee that much. Especially the commercials. (Although I admit that I've become a Fratellis fan after watching that iPod ad, but I digress.)

However, I had to watch 30 Rock tonight because Paul Reubens was a guest star! I suppose the show itself is funny enough, but not enough for me to watch it regularly. But Paul Reubens was genius as Prince Gerhardt! No other actor in the world would use puppet legs and a wee little puppet hand to represent his horrible countless disorders caused by centuries of inbreeding. Oh, man it was pee your pants funny! I'm waiting for the episode to turn up on iTunes so I can watch it again and again . . . In the meantime, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that Pee Wee's Playhouse movie (which makes it hard to type!)

I still watch Pee Wee's Big Adventure whenever I'm sick. It's the best good time movie ever. And if you're feeling poorly, it'll make you feel better. Ah, so many great lines and moments . . . And speaking of Buffy, Paul Reubens has a wonderful but small part in the otherwise blah movie. If you're going to rent it, just fast-forward to his death scene. Brilliant!

Oh, and don't get all in my face about how he's a pervert and all that crap. There but for the grace of god go you and I, and all that. How come Britney didn't get put in the slammer for indecent exposure? Huh? Now there's someone who could use some jail time! (Harumph!)

The Lady Upstairs

2007-01-26T22:11:00.000-06:00

You grow to be pretty tolerant when you live in an apartment building. Mostly it's just day to day noises like phones ringing or music playing or footsteps across the floor. Sometimes you are privy to fights that you would rather not have heard. (Although sometimes they are unintentially funny. Like that time the guy across the alley came home to the apartment he was kicked out of -- crawling over the spiked iron gate to do so -- and yelling for his ex to open up until she called the cops and when they asked him what he wanted he said "I just want a shower and to get my stuff. And maybe get some medical attention . . .")

But I have a neighbor who is crazy. Now, I'm no psychiatrist, but that's all I can think it could be because no normal human being behaves this way:

When I meet my upstairs neighbor in the hallway, she is very amiable with a pleasant speaking voice. But as soon as she gets in her apartment -- and it's almost immediate -- she picks up the phone and starts YELLING into it! I don't mean talking in a loud voice, I mean YELLING. At first, we thought she was having, you know, domestic troubles. Turns out she carries on conversations like this all the time with her friends and loved ones. With the YELLING, I mean. I just can't imagine why anyone would want to be YELLED at for hours on end. (Yes, these "conversations" can last hours and hours.)

So we turn on music to drown it all out. Now our downstairs neighbors have to pretend they don't hear anything.

And so it goes.

I am not...

2007-01-21T19:13:00.000-06:00

...She-Hulk. I'm not even green (at this moment).

I can't type much today, because I have given a shock to my arms and back by actually lifting something over my head. Yes, I started a gym membership citizens! My poor little stick arms are hating me right now.

So I'll let you know how things go when I start to recover. And then you'll have more exciting Dawnieland news. At least until I get so bulked out that my muscular fingers can't fit on the keyboard!

For Your Consideration

2007-01-17T18:28:00.000-06:00

Escaped chimp gets snack, cleans bathroom
By Associated Press
Wednesday, January 17, 2007 - Updated: 05:17 PM EST

LITTLE ROCK, Ark.-- An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.

The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped yesterday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.

As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.

Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.

It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.

The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher says Judy was groggy but fine after the episode.

The zoo says there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.

© Copyright 2007 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

or..

Monkey rollerskating!

Am I right?

Boring

2007-01-15T21:39:00.000-06:00

Have you ever read a book that made you impatient? A book where the characters are not very likeable and they don't seem to do much of anything except moan about this or that, even though the premise of the book should be extremely interesting? Such is the book I'm reading now. There's a link over on the side bar for Beyond Black, but don't click on it because I fear you will fall asleep just looking at it. More likely, though, you'll get annoyed. Lots of phrases. Full sentences are scarce. Goes on and on. Teeth gnashing from irritation. I will give this book just two more chapters before I chuck it in the resale sack.

I made a vow (after I read the entire Witching Hour novel which turned out to be insufferable) to not waste my time on bad novels and tiresome history books. Novels are about words and imagination and exploring the human condition through this medium, are they not? And history is exciting and vibrant with all the movers and shakers from the past, is it not? Then WHY does so much crap get printed? Life is too short for garbage parading before my eyeballs.

So Hilary Mantel, this book of yours better shape up soon, or I'm just going to have to get monetary compensation for my wasted hours. Thank Cthulhu for Half Price Books.

Let's Review (Again)

2007-01-11T22:12:00.001-06:00

Let's have another go at reviewing recent Dawnie adventures in the arts and culture of this, our American landscape.

1) The Incredible Hulk Ultimate Destruction. I've been spending WAY too much time playing this game. It's so awesome I can't even stand it! Hulk Smash! Hulk Smash Real Good!

2) The José Guadalupe Posada Exhibition at the Art Institute of Chicago. You will recognize his Day of the Dead illustrations, which are still widely used to this day. This is a very small, one-room exhibition (ask one of the guards or volunteers to tell you where it is, since it's difficult to find if you don't know the museum well) but well worth the visit. Better hurry though, because it's only up until the 21st of January.

3) Pan's Labyrinth. Gorgeous, heart-wrenching, violent, scary, poignant, breathtaking . . . Just go see it, will you?

4) Children of Men. Awesome. Just. Awesome.

5) The Piano Tuner of Earthquakes. It's beautifully filmed and has a gorgeous soundtrack, but the movie kind of blows. It's dull, dull, dull. Shame on you, Brothers Quay. You owe me thirteen bucks.

6) Willard. Yes, the one with Crispin Glover. And yes, this is the part he was born to play. For real. And he's really, really good at it! I missed this when it was at the theaters, so I rented the DVD. I cannot convey to you how much I loved this! One of the best cheesey movies (pun intended) ever! Go to the web site and watch the "Ben" video. You will thank me.

7) iPhone. I don't need one, but I want one. Bad. I'm including this in arts and culture because it's so beautifully designed it brings tears to my eyes. I stayed up way too late the other night watching the Apple Keynote speech, enthralled during the demo. This device will eventually result in a future robot uprising, mark my words.

That's it for today, kiddies. Only one bad apple (and it's certainly not the iPhone, let me tell you!) out of the bunch. Now you have something to live for.

Twelfth Night

2007-01-05T06:27:00.000-06:00

We don't celebrate the Twelve Days of Christmas anymore. So if you're wondering about those noisy Drummers that will show up in your living room tonight, you now know that it's because it's the last night of the Xmas season. (It also explains the Leaping Lords, the Milk Maids, the Dancing Ladies, the Pipers and all those annoying birds. Bet you didn't complain about those gold rings, though, you greedy bastard.) But this is assuming which tradition you're following. The drummers might show up tomorrow, instead.

We don't have any cool Xmas traditions left. Oh, sure the pretty, shiny lights and gaudy trees are great, but mostly it's just about the infernal shopping. (Ugh.) Oh, and the alcohol abuse on New Year's Eve. But back in the day, there were all sorts of really cool traditions. The whole season started on Halloween night when a Lord of Misrule was chosen and up through Candlemas (February 2nd -- a day now usurped by a creepy, burrowing rodent) hijinx ensued. But the best times started the day after Xmas. There was a Feast of Fools, held on New Year's day which was a Saturnalia celebration full of mischief and well, feasting. And then there was Twelfth Night, another feast day and the official and final day of the Christmas season. Basically, it's Epiphany, and sometimes this was the day you gave gifties. Twelfth Night was (by some accounts) celebrated the evening before Epiphany. A King of the Bean and Queen of the Pea (no, not pee! Ew!) were chosen to reign over the festivities. This was done with a Twelfth Night cake, which had one dried bean and one dried pea mixed into the batter before it was baked. Whoever got the slice with the bean, if a man, was declared the King. If a woman found the bean, she got to choose the King. The same goes for the Queen, except it was the pea and rules of reversal for the man, you know.

But the feasting and revelry didn't stop there. After Twelfth Night, the following Monday was Plow Monday and the beginning of the carnival season, which of course, ended in a big way with Mardi Gras. At least we have New Orleans. (And, oddly enough, Philadelphia, where you can still find Mummers -- and on Twelfth Night, no less!)

Anyway, I vote we bring some of the Saturnalia back to the season. I'm going to bake a Twelfth Night cake tonight. Probably something easy, just for that old pagan feeling. I'm also taking down my Xmas decorations tomorrow, since it's extremely unlucky to leave them up after the 6th of January. (Actually, I've been doing that for a while now.) I suppose out of desperation I could read Twelfth Night by that playwrite... what's his name? William Shaker? Shatner? Eh, something. Anyway, it's not his best work, so maybe I'll skip that.

So, make merry tonight, citizens! Take back the season! It's supposed to be fun, not annoying! Enjoy those drummers and mummers!

Oh Holy Christ

2006-12-24T21:34:00.000-06:00

I've become accustomed to the sight of likenesses of religious icons on the lawns of People of Faith (POF) where the idols are made of plastic and there is a light bulb shoved up the back end. An unspeakable act that could only come from the mind of Vlad the Impaler and his ilk. But hey, if that's how you like to represent your gods, who am I to judge?

I was completely unaware, however, that the Tazmanian Devil witnessed the birth of Christ! Not only was the Tazmanian Devil present at the nativity, he was dressed as Santa Claus! Gosh, you learn something new every day. Not only is Taz a lesser-known figure in the Christian mythos, he is also a prophet.

I must confess, though, that I am rather alarmed that The Baby Jesus (TBJ) seems to be missing from this nativity scene. Was TBJ kidnapped by merry holiday pranksters? Or was he eaten by the Tazmanian Devil? Take a look at Joseph and Mary there. Are they adoring a non-existant TBJ? Or are they cowering in fear next to that terrifying monster just a claw length away?

I shall not sleep well tonight, Dear Reader, I shall not sleep well.

Death March

2006-12-23T14:54:00.000-06:00

Well, the Annual Holiday Retail Death March is now over. All the kiddies have their gifties and I was able to send out my Uncle' s cookies today without having to come in contact with the zombies behind the post office counter, which I consider to be a Christmas Miracle. I did, however, run into a Postal Carrier who stopped me as I was heading over to her Mother Ship and asked me, "Excuse me. Can you tell me what street this is?" (!!!) I told her and then hurried on my way, just in case she was really a space alien and wanted to lay her eggs in my brain tissue.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday! Beware those space aliens disguised as Postal Carriers!

You've poisoned me for the last time, you wretched girl

2006-12-17T00:23:00.000-06:00

One of the best things (and there are loads of great things) about the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas is that it is now socially acceptable to put Halloween stuff on your Xmas tree. (Or, at least I like to think it is...) This ornament is one of five different Jack Skellington facial expressions molded on to what looks like an ordinary Xmas glass bulb ornament. As you can see, the Pumpkin King is looking rather doubtful nestled in his little hiding spot. There is also a scary Jack, a smiley Jack, a surprised Jack, and a happy Jack (differing from smiley Jack because his mouth is open a little). Now I just wish I could find those great Halloween Town vampires in ornament form!

Best. Ornament. Ever.

2006-12-11T22:27:00.000-06:00

"I am in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come?" said Scrooge. The Spirit answered not, but pointed onward with its hand.

Man. Why don't we tell ghost stories on Christmas Eve anymore? It used to be the thing. All that's left is Dickens' A Christmas Carol. So cherish it. Cherish. It.

The Candy Cane is Satan's Walking Stick!

2006-12-09T16:36:00.000-06:00

So I'm still coughing like a vintage diesel engine. But here's a pretty picture for your lookin' balls to enjoy. Yes, I know it's all festive and xmassy, which may surprise some of you, but if you had a close up (which, of course, you do not) you would see a few more, uh, unusual ornaments. If you're very, very good, I'll post some photos of them for you.

I'm quite proud of our tree. It's tall and skinny, so it just fits in this corner of the room. It's pre-lit and fake -- just like a lot of other sinful idolatrous displays that are up during this fine pagan season. Tree-worship at its finest!

I should say that this picture was taken before we had to replace the lights in the middle section. There was a pinched wire that made half the bulbs blink like crazy disco lights and then go out. Yep, there was a fire hazard on this tree! And what's Xmas without a fire hazard? I ask you. We could have been on the news! But we decided to be more sensible instead and put on a new string of lights. (sigh.)

Gruess vom Krampus!

2006-12-05T19:34:00.000-06:00

I hope all of you out there in Dawnieland have been good this year! As a reward for my good behavior, Krampus has decided to give me an unspecific virus to cough and sneeze about! Yay!

Krampus cards are on their way, so harrass your Postal Carrier until you get yours!

Waxing Poetic

2006-11-15T22:01:00.000-06:00

Autumn days make me feel all warm and nostalgic. As the days grow shorter and the light grows long and diffused, I grow misty-eyed and contemplative and look forward to all those lovely seasonal events that make this time of year so special.

I look up into the sky and listen to the resounding call of the majestic Sasquatch as his pod flies south in its annual migration to Oaxaca. I close my eyes and feel the warm breeze from the gentle flapping of the Chupacabra and the delight in the slurp-slurping tone he makes as he sucks down his dinner of goat, fattening up for the winter. I laugh as I run through the fallen leaves, hoping to find that perfect Lindworm skin to add to my collection. Oh! Hark! Is that the familiar sound of the mischievious Mothman snapping his gum?

I hope every one of you out there in Dawnieland remembers to take time out of your busy schedule to appreciate the glorious world of the Natural Order of All Things. It's the circle of life, man.

Civic Duty

2006-11-07T18:34:00.000-06:00

I just know that everyone out there in Dawnieland has voted. I just know it. Jolly good, I call it.

I've just returned from the voting polls. I vote at the pizza parlour across the street. That's right. I voted. At the pizza parlour. Across the street. I'm consumed with an overwhelming sense of patriotism right now. There are other places on this little blue planet of ours where you have to dodge bullets to get to a voting booth. But here, in my little part of the world, I just saunter across the avenue and cast my ballot amidst the wafting aromas of rising yeast and frying potatoes. Jolly good, indeed.

I know that tomorrow morning all hope may be dashed and I'll be convinced that I don't live in a democratic nation, but until then, I'm going to eat a potato. Because that's my right. As an American. Plus, they are high in potassium. (Potatoes, not Americans. Well, most of them, anyway.)

And then maybe later I'll just shoot some vampires for a while. You know. To get ready for tomorrow. When the real vampires may still be in charge.

Penny For The Guy

2006-11-05T12:19:00.000-06:00

Burn your favorite effigy today -- it's Guy Fawkes Day! You can celebrate by reading or watching V for Vendetta or lighting a bonfire. Hopefully your celebratory activities will inspire you to vote on Tuesday. I think I will burn an effigy of Alan Keyes.

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T13:55:00.000-06:00

Here's hoping that you only get the good candy in your treat bag tonight!

The Thing About Zombies Is...

2006-10-17T19:28:00.000-05:00

It's about time people knew.

Zombie movies didn't scare me as a kid. Why? Because they walked too slow. I always thought that if a zombie was after me, I could totally outrun him. I also thought that about the Sleestaks from The Land of the Lost and I thought that Godzilla was pretty pokey as well. (But his stride is so huge that you know he would catch up to you fairly quickly and squash you flat.) But I digress.

Zombies are slow in both senses of the word. They're not very bright and they move at a pace that would make your great-grandfather weep with impatience.

Not that zombies aren't scary. There is usually a whole bunch of them and if you do something stupid (like run down a dead-end alley, for instance) they will eventually eat your brains and viscera, once they've ambled their way over to the corner you are huddled against.

I just think that if they made zombies a little faster and a little smarter, then you'd have something. (George Romero hinted at this in Land of the Dead.)

Those dwarf zombies in Phantasm are pretty scary though. I wouldn't want to have to race one of those guys.

A List of Best Zombie Movies Ever Made that you can place in a Pentagram form (if you like):

Night of the Living Dead George Romero's Mother of All Zombie Movies.
Evil Dead The movie that gave the world "Ash". Bruce Campbell rocks!
Carnival of Souls You may want to argue and say this is technically a ghoul movie. Knock yourself out.
Dead Alive Lawnmower scene. Awesomeness. Plus, you might not want to have that custard when you watch this.
Shaun of the Dead Best. Spoof. Evah.

Oh. I should probably make it clear that I'm not talking about vodoun zombies. Just so you don't get confused.

Haunted Castle

2006-10-16T18:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's an Imax movie and there's not much of a plot line to speak of. And whatever story there is doesn't make much sense. But this 3D feature will knock your socks off with a visual kapow! If you are in the Chicago area, it is playing at the Imax on Navy Pier, so you should go and see it. Give yourself a Halloween treat!

I know, I know. You're sitting in your chair thinking "Eh. I've seen 3D movies before." But THIS movie will tempt you into reaching out and grabbing what really (really!) looks like it's right in front of you. In 3D! Haunted Castle 3D's awesomeness lies wholely in the fact that the visual effect is wicked cool! Plus, you get to wear these spectacles that make you look like an utter dork! What could be better? I ask you.

Triskaidekophobia

2006-10-13T19:10:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday the 13th everybody! I hope your luck held out today!

For your viewing pleasure, I present a photograph of our front window. See how much those bloody hand prints add to the beauty? I love them. So. Much. It's a shame you can't really tell how bright the orange lights are. Maybe that's a good thing, since you might be blinded by the loveliness of it all.

I also like how this picture turned out slightly out of focus and sort of "grainy" looking -- like it's a scene from a '70s exploitation horror film! I like to call this imaginary film Triskaidekophobia: the Staining.

I Am Boogenhagen!

2006-10-08T20:00:00.000-05:00

So we finally finished getting the rest of the Halloween decorations up. This isn't as easy as it sounds because part of this process is peeling off a summer's worth of Chicago filth from the windows and curtains. (Bleah!)

Now, some of you who know me may be thinking "Isn't your place always decorated for Halloween, Dawnie?" Um, no. It isn't. That other stuff is just cool. So there.

Coolest thing we got this year: Bloody Hand Prints! They stick to your window like your Aunt Edna's creepy jello mold salad, except they are Bloody! Hand! Prints! They rock me like a hurricane.

And after giving the upside down fishbowls that are on my dining room chandelier a wash (have I mentioned how butt ugly my dining room chandelier is?) I got to decorate the chandelier. As you can see in the picture provided for you here, it is a thing of wonder. See how the demon fire burns through the mysterious eyeholes of Nevermore the Destructor? He sees all! He sees into your soul and it is his! Yummy, tasty soul of yours! Pass the ketchup!

I'm going to go outside and admire the lights in the window now that it's dark.

Songs That Give Me The Willies

2006-10-05T19:15:00.000-05:00

As Halloween draws nigh, I've been listening to some of my favorite songs that creep me out. Now, this is not a bad thing. I love these songs because they give me the wiggins*. And so today's blog agenda is to kick-start that special Halloween ambiance. You may want to give a listen to any one of these songs:

"A Collection" by Marillion. If you've ever seen the Terence Stamp movie The Collector, you'll know what this song is about. If you haven't seen it, you should. It is awesome and Terence Stamp is a god! This song captures all of the creepiness of the film.
"Arlene" by The Handsome Family. There are a lot of wonderfully unnerving songs by this fabulous husband-and-wife team. But "Arlene" is one of their earliest and best. It starts out like your average country song about unrequited love, but by the end, your hair will be standing up on the back of your neck. Magnifique!
"Catherine" by PJ Harvey. I have to admit, I'm not the biggest PJ fan, but her album Is This Desire is fantastic. This song just knocks me out.
"Borrowed Wings" by Jim White. I love Jim White's music more than you can even comprehend. This song is strange and beautiful like most of his recordings, but this has an extra-extra eeriness factor that's just a marvel. You'll see.
"Intruder" by Peter Gabriel. Remember when Peter Gabriel was scary and one of your nightmares was opening your front door to find him standing there? I miss that Peter Gabriel.
"Pretty Polly" (Traditional). This may not be the mother of all murder ballads (there's plenty more of them that are much older than this one) but it sure is one of the grand dames. I've heard some really haunting versions of this tune on the Smithsonian Folkways collections.
"Come As You Are" by Nirvana. Is it the discord of the guitar sound? Is it the lyrics? Is it the way Cobain died? Maybe it's a combination of all these factors that makes my skin crawl when I listen to this song. Love it!
"Under Ice" by Kate Bush. Kate's a wigged out chick. This song is weeeeiirrrd. She's so great!
"Death Letter" by Son House. When I get to be an old black man, I want to sing just like Son House.
"Cross Bones Style" by Cat Power. Haunting. Eerie. Mysterious. Everything that makes a song a joy to experience.
"Welcome To My Nightmare" by Alice Cooper. When I was a kid, my siblings and I had a babysitter who would tell us outrageously scary bedtime ghost stories and urban legends. We were too terrified to leave our beds after that -- even to pee! She was a genius! She spent the rest of her evening doing her homework and listening to Alice Cooper.
"This Big Hush" by Shriekback. Barry Andrews kind of scared me back in the day. And I loved him for it.
"Strayaway Child" by The Chieftains. A song that sounds so otherworldly it makes you look over your shoulder for ghosts. A gem!

I think I'll stop at thirteen as that seems appropriate. To all two of my regular readers: Please feel free to add your own favorite creepy songs! 'Tis the Season!

*A term familiar to Buffy fans. It basically means the same thing as "creeped out".

Happy October!

2006-10-04T18:16:00.000-05:00

I've been suffering from PTSD from the CTA lately, but that's an entirely other story. Normally, I'm very pro-Public Transportation, so I don't want to go over the horrific events of the last few weeks. Let's just say I'm trying to move on with my life... Your prayers and monetary contributions will be appreciated.

At last it is October! And this means lovely weather in the wonderful 50's-60's range (with the exception of that annoying 80 degree weather yesterday) fabulous orange-red-yellow tree foliage and the beginning of the Halloween season! Hooray!

If you haven't checked it out yet, Target has all of their Halloween items out. This year, they have a "Day of the Dead" look to their decorations. They are truly lovely! Go and make your place festively frightful! We have most of our Halloween decorations up, but still need to put up lights and the Masquerade Chandelier.

Note: I have the UGLIEST dining room chandelier you have ever seen. It's one of those not-cool-enough-to-be-hip-mod-because-it's-just-awful '70s type designs that would make your eyes sting and water. BUT when Halloween comes around, it gets a total makeover and I absolutely love it. I put up with it the rest of the year only because I can dress it up for Halloween. I'll post a picture when I've got it done, 'cuz I know you want to see it.

Other Halloween Must Haves:

Black and Orange M&M candies with little Jack-o-lantern faces. Cute and Delicious! (I just wish they'd make them with the dark chocolate!)
Halloween Gift Cards -- Victorian Reproductions!
A costume to make your government afraid of you!

I love Halloween. I'm going to dedicate all my October posts to this best of all holidays!

Monkeyshines

2006-09-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

This weekend I've been in Milwaukee -- with access to cable TeeVee. This means I've been watching way too much Animal Planet. Last night there were three shows in a row about primates. The first and best of them was called Romeo and Juliet: A Monkey's Tale. It was the best show ever shown on the show shower!

Romeo and Juliet are two macaques from rival monkey clans living in Lopburi, Thailand. Juliet has been raised at the Kala Temple where she is well fed and cared for by the monks living there and the tourists who come to see them. Romeo belongs to the roving and more thuggish Market monkeys, where his livelihood is based on mugging and thievery. But these two macaques fall hard for each other and as a result of their fateful love, a war is declared between the two rival clans. Romeo ends up in exile and Juliet is broken hearted and guilt ridden as she tries to cope with the casualties of war. The feud ends with the annual feast for the monkeys (apparently the local merchants are so grateful for the tourist dollars that the macaques bring in that they provide a huge banquet for the monkeys every November.) Romeo and Juliet are united in the wild and all's well that ends well.

Oh, l'amour.

Ahoy! Me Hearties!

2006-09-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

Lest yer a scurvy bilge rat, ye might be knowin' that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Hoist the main sail and make sure ye swab the deck or there will be lashings! Mind the cut of yer jib, and ye moight get an extra helpin' of duff, laddie boy!

Arrrrr! 'Tis a fine fair day fer a keel haulin'! Pass the grog and we'll all sing a little shanty to lift our spirits out of the doldrums:

Oh, a pirate sails the seven seas
And goes anywhere he pleases!
But he always remembers to wash his hands
So he won't get no diseases!*

*Thanks to Pee Wee Herman for this fine salty air!

Smartypants

2006-09-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

Oh, hi. How're you doing?

I want to talk to you about pants. I've noticed, lately, that there is a disturbing trend among folks in the fashion industry (I know, I know. The fashionistas live for trends) to use "pant" instead of "pants" when they are referring to your trousers. If you watch What Not To Wear, Stacey and Clinton are constantly saying "the pant" when they are telling you how godawful you look. And now the Gap is bombarding us with ads about the new "skinny pant". (Heh. New. I look at it this way, you can be with it and trendy with your new "skinny pant" or twenty years out of date. Take your pick!)

I have a problem with this. First of all, the word is plural. It's a pair of pants. There are two (count 'em), two legs on the item of clothing, so it is PANTS.* Secondly, they are messing with one of the funniest words in the English language. Pants. Go on. Say it out loud. It makes you feel all giggly, doesn't it? Now add it to some random funny noun: Monkey. Monkeypants. Smarty. Smartypants. Pee. Peepants. You see? Even funnier.

And how would you tell someone they are a big fat liar? "Liar, liar, pant on fire"? That's just dumb.

The term "pant" is no good, no how. It just rings of desperation. Or thirst. It ought to be abolished.

So for love of everything that is holy and good. Please. Just say no to pant.

*I really have no idea why pants is plural. I just made that up. My pants are on fire!

The Return of Dawnie or Why Are There Cobwebs In My Blog Space?

2006-09-04T00:20:00.000-05:00

Hello there, Citizens! Did you miss me? I haven't been in Dawnieland for a while, because I've been over in the Ben Republic helping out with a magic show. Tonight was the last show, so if you didn't get a chance to see it, well, you totally missed out. (Boo hoo for you!) Ben was fabulous as usual and Darryl put on one of his first public performances and was great! And what was Dawnie doing? Dawnie managed to helm the lighting and sound board without killing herself or anyone else! Now that is truly amazing! I will return to edifying and enlightening you with tales of wonder and beauty soon, but right now, I'm running off with the Sandman. Good night to you all.

Crime Time

2006-08-23T18:21:00.000-05:00

I can't even tell you how much I love the Crime Library. It's a fabulous place to go and visit your favorite Victorian deviants like Lizzie Borden and Jack the Ripper. (Check out the Killers from History pages!) Or if you're into more "vintage" or "mod" style scoundrels, you can read extensively about Al Capone or Charles Manson. You can also catch up on the latest news about any modern day reprobate, if you like. For instance, when the whole Ramsey/John Mark Karr news broke, I went straight to my good friend the Crime Library for a refresher on the case. So the writing style is a bit sensational (okay, a lot), but they are more even-handed with the evidence than most of your True Crime websites, you'll have to admit. And it's just chock full of lurid crimey goodness!

What's interesting is that when I saw the "Psychic Sketch" that was taken from a post that was on the Ramsey family's now-defunct web site (apparently the Ramsey's had hired a psychic to help them with their case), I thought "Now, what are the chances the guy is going to look like that"? But danged if I didn't get kind of spooked when I saw a photo of Karr posted on the news sites the next day! It's not exact, but it's eerily close, especially if you saw the sketch before the guy was arrested.

But that's not to say the suspect in custody is guilty. It's yet to be proven he isn't just a nut job looking for attention. If he is found not guilty, Karr will be forever known as "that creepy guy who made up a confession about being JonBenet's killer", so he'll still have a file under "infamous" (or at least "icky") in the collective-conscious trivia storehouse. But it will also mean that the Psychic Sketch won't be nearly as cool.

Famous Historical Thinkers Quote of the Week

2006-08-22T22:18:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton on her new album:

"I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."

An Unwelcome Glimpse Into My Psyche

2006-08-16T18:48:00.000-05:00

A couple of posts back I made the statement that I don't like Barbie. That's not entirely true. I had two Barbie dolls that I LOVED when I was a little kid. One was Talking Julia and the other one was Talking PJ. Apparently, talking dolls were all the rage back then. (Julia, for those youngsters out there who may be reading this with puzzled looks on their tiny faces, was a television character played by Diahann Carroll in the late sixties/early seventies. This is notable for the fact that it was the first television series where the main character was black. She may have been one of the first black Barbie dolls as well, though I don't know that for a fact.) Anyway, I had Julia for a couple of years until she fell apart beyond the doctoring skills of my father. Then I got Talking PJ for Xmas. (Sadly, after another few years, her fate was the same as Julia’s.) But PJ may be the reason for my dislike of Barbie.

Talking PJ was Miss B's hippie friend who wore crazy purple sunglasses, beads in her hair and an orange and hot pink mini-dress with big flouncy sleeves. Groovy! She had this string on the back of her neck with a little flower-shaped pull tab, and when you pulled it, she would say five or six different phrases. One of them, I remember, was "I'm Barbie's best friend, PJ!" I can't recall what else she said, but considering her lifestyle choice it was probably something along the lines of "Keep on Truckin'!" or "Hey man, don't bogart that bong!" But she was Babs' best friend at the time, and herein lies my problem with Miss B. She can't hold a friendship! Just look at the countless "best friends" she's had over the years! Let's see, there was Midge, Christie, PJ, Jamie, Steffie, Kelley, Cara... the list goes on and on. She changes her friends like she changes accessories. Which is, come to think of it, precisely what they are.

When I was a kid, Barbie’s life was all about hanging out at the beach with PJ and listening to surf music. Now that years have separated them, PJ having gone through rehab and getting back to the land and Babs having exchanged dope for clothes, the six year old part of my mind (that six year old believes these plastic toys are real people, mind you) wonders what would happen if they should meet again.

So I imagine, in my daft little brain, the PJ/Babs reunion. PJ is at the farmer's market selling produce from her organic farm with her two children, Flower and Cambric. Babs comes up to her booth and belts out an excruciatingly cheerful, "Hi!!!"

PJ: "So it's the famous Miss B come to grace my lowly organic produce cart. Organic food must be really trendy for you to show up. Happy day. I may even make a small profit this year."

B: "I love shopping!"

PJ: "Of course you do. You know, B, you should really try and live a debt-free life. All this shopping is going to get you in trouble some day."

B: "Math class is hard."

PJ: "Haven’t passed that class yet, huh? Listen, if you want to buy some tomatoes, I only deal in cash. I'll ring up the amount and figure out the change for you. Sound fair?"

B: "What should I wear for my date tonight?"

PJ: "Christ, I don't know. How about these coconuts? I'll bet you could do something fabulous with those."

B: "Do you think we'll ever have enough clothes?"

PJ: (sigh) "I'm sure you have plenty of clothes, B. Did you ever stop to think that with all the money you spend on clothes, you could be doing something actually worthwhile? Like feeding the homeless? Or fighting cultural stereotypes?"

B: "Girls can do anything!"

PJ: “Um. Yes, they can. Maybe you should consider sticking to one thing, though, instead of changing your career every three or four months. Have you considered getting treatment for ADD?”

B: “Let’s plan a pizza party!”

PJ: "Listen, B. I've got to help these other people over here. You take care, all right?"

Superfly Monkey!

2006-08-13T22:29:00.000-05:00

I haven't written about monkeys in a while, I know. So today just for you, Dear Reader, is the latest monkey post.

Remember when you were in fifth grade and you wanted to show that special someone how much you cared by sending a giant rubber band through the air at him, but instead popped him in the eye and nearly caused litigation proceedings against your parents? Well, I found something even better! This little guy is basically a giant rubber band slingshot with a monkey built around it. Plus, he wears a darling little crash helmet and cape. And (get this!) he screams like a banshee when you hurl him through the air at your loved one! Now how’s that for a display of affection? I ask you.

Hell Toupee

2006-08-09T18:51:00.000-05:00

Boy, am I ever cranky! I think I got a virus on my computer at work. Things just started going all crazy and then when I ran some of the anti-virus software things (poof!) disappeared off my desktop. This means that tomorrow, my work day is going to suck. Big time. When I die and go to Hell (because I am going to Hell), it will be only slightly better there than my work day will be tomorrow.

Oh man, I hate PCs. Luckily, I can come home to the comforting and loving arms of my Mac. Oh, Mac, you are soooo good to me... xxoo.

So here are two things that will cheer up Dawnie tonight:

Thing One: Reading Pamela Anderson's blog. Yep. You read that right, Pam Anderson blogs! And I read it! And you didn't even think this woman could string together enough nouns, verbs and adjectives to make a comprehensible sentence. Or even type. Did I say woman? Sorry, I guess with all the plastic and high tech bits mixed up with her organic parts, that would technically make her a cyborg. But I think she's funny. My favorite quote of late? Well she's marrying Kid Rock several times for some ungodly reason (ahem. Like I said. With the funny). So when a reporter asked her how she was coping with the many, many wedding plans she's making, her reply was: "I have two words for you: Champagne." Just. Precious.

Thing Two: Listening to Malibu Love Nest by Luna. This is just about the happiest song ever written and recorded. And just so you know, this band hardly got any air play. You should write hate mail to every music executive you can think of. That's your homework assignment for this evening. Get cracking!

Let's Review

2006-08-07T18:52:00.000-05:00

Tonight on the way home I totally conked out because I stayed up way too late playing Psychonauts last night. The train started doing that crazy sudden stop, lurch forward, sudden stop thing that it does sometimes, so I woke up. My i-Pod was playing that Pink Floyd song "Money" and as it was playing I noticed that the train would lurch to a stop, the pre-recorded man-voice would tell us he was sorry for the inconvenience, and then the woman in the seat in front of me would shake her head back and forth slowly in despair. This happened over and over and I noticed that these actions were almost (but not quite) synchronized with the music playing in my head. Funny, huh?

But that's not what I'm going to write about today. I want to tell you about some of the experiences I've had here lately in Dawnieland. One of the advantages of living in a Big City is that there is lots of stuff to do and discover. So please join me while I reminisce about some of my more recent goings-on!

Talking Pictures
We went to see the movie A Scanner Darkly, which is based on a Philip K. Dick book (I have not read the novel -- so anyone looking for a comparison, I can't give that to you. Sorry!) The movie was quite good and it's WAY worth it just for Robert Downey, Jr.'s performance. Plus, we saw it when it was stinking hot out, so more ++'s because of the air conditioning! The movie is rotoscoped, in case you didn't know that, and some folks have reported that it made them feel queasy when they watched it, so be warned! (It didn't bother me. I actually liked the rotoscope.) Recommended.

Geek Fest!
I love the Wizard World comic book conventions. This year didn't have much as far as the guest speakers go, for me at least, (it's pretty hard to out-do Joss Whedon, who was here a couple of years ago) but the swag was great! We got a sample Gojira dvd and a Hellboy Animated t-shirt plus a Dingoes Ate My Baby poster which only another Buffy fan could love as much as I do. I also got this great poster for Tokyo Zombie. Recommended for your screeching inner geek.

Eats
I had lunch late last week with Shawna at Kitty O'Shea's Irish Pub. Shawna was hoping to find a good Irish pub here in the Toddling Town and, well, this isn't the one. Kudos to them for doing a good job of making it look like an actual pub, considering it's part of the Hilton Hotel on Michigan Ave. (But no, Paris Hilton doesn't serve you your drinks. Bummer.) The food isn't bad, it's just not any great shakes. And kinda pricey, too. $9.50 for a veggie burger and a side of salt and vinegar crisps! (cough) It's meant to have a good selection of Irish beers, though, so maybe it's more of an after work watering hole than a lunch venue. Not recommended. (Unless you're in town on business and your boss is paying.)

Note: The name of the pub is much more interesting if you like history. Kitty (or Katey, as she was known among her friends -- Kitty was a derogatory name given to her because of the "scandal") O'Shea is infamous for being the woman who caused the downfall of the Irish PM Charles Stewart Parnell who is famous for bringing about Home Rule for Ireland in the 19th century. The scandal was not so much for having an affair with Katey, but for getting a divorce to marry her. Go figure. I learned all this from watching a mini-series a million years ago called Parnell and the Englishwoman. Who says you can't learn anything from the teevee?

Well, that's it for today, Citizens! I hope you go out and have wonderful adventures of your own.

Things I Don't Like That Are Pink

2006-08-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

In the interest of keeping the universe in balance, I have decided to even the cosmic scales and list the opposing viewpoint to yesterday's post. Or maybe I'm just too sleepy to write something else. At any rate, for your reading pleasure: Things I don't like that are pink.

Pink Eye 'Cause, who likes pink eye? (I almost stuck in a link with a picture, but it creeped me out too much.)
Pink Fiberglass Insulation It’s really hurty when you touch it. But you're probably glad you have it in the dead of winter.
Cotton Candy Tastes like sick. 'Cause of that time on the tilt-a-whirl. Also it's not a very good insulator.
Pink What in hell is wrong with the music industry anyway? Probably the best female impersonator working these days, though.
Barbie Okay, so she’s not pink. But she tends to make pink a nauseating color. (I'll probably get a cease and desist for this one...)
Pepto-Bismol For the nausea (see above). I'm kind of alarmed by how much their site looks like my blog template.
Shania Twain Okay, so she’s not pink either. She just needs to be on every list of things I don’t like.
English Sausage Why is it raw in the middle? Why is it boiled in lard?
Ham Probably the closest thing to the taste of human.
Hot Dogs Probably the next closest thing to the taste of human (see above).
Shrimp Poop veins. Eyes on stalks. Exoskeleton.
Mary Kay cars Why do they exist? Just to prove there is no God?
That weird mold that starts to grow in my tub if I neglect my chores for too long. Creee-peee!

There you have it. I've done my karmic duty. Now I'm going to get some shut eye. (As opposed to pink eye.)

Things I Like That Are Pink

2006-08-03T19:54:00.000-05:00

Contrary to what you might think, I'm not a fan of the color pink. I don't think I own one piece of clothing that is pink. (This is starting to sound like a Dr. Seuss book.) Actually, that's not true. I have some pink pajama pants. But I only bought them because I like to say "pink pajama pants." I like the alliteration.

Pink is one of those colors that only looks good in nature. Pink flowers are nice. So are pink clouds just before sunset. But manufactured pink? Not so much.

You may be wondering after reading my objections why I chose this pink (or rose, or light red -- whatever you prefer to call this particular hue) template. Or not. Well, I'll tell you anyway. I just thought it looked so happy.

So I thought long and hard and decided that I will give the color pink a fair chance. Here is a list of things I like that are pink. Just for you.

Pink Flamingos The real bird, the plastic bird and the John Waters movie.
The new Pink Line on the el. And if you're not from Chicago, yes, some of the rail cars are painted entirely pink! It makes me unreasonably cheerful when I see these trains.
Code Pink Fighting the good fight.
Pretty In Pink Not the movie. I like the P-Furs and I still like this song, even if they became total sellouts.
Pink Floyd By the way, which one's Pink?
Piggies!
Chi Chai Monchan But you already knew that.
Frankenberry I like all the other monster cereals too. (But they're not pink.)
Cherry Blossoms Also known as sakura. They turn into cherries! Plus, they are pretty.
Grapefruit Izze Yummy!
Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum Yeah, it tastes like chalk after about a minute. But I just love those completely mental comics. Remember Mort?
Mr. Bubble I couldn't use it when I was a kid because it gave me a rash. Still wanted it though.
The logo from the Ramones album Rocket to Russia. I love this album in ways that are disturbing and unhealthy.

Okay, so I'm stretching it a bit. Still there are pink things to love in this world. Including this blog. This blog needs love too, you know.

Invasion!

2006-08-01T20:01:00.000-05:00

We had no idea what this creature was, my neighbors and I. One of them actually witnessed its arrival. It just sauntered up the sidewalk into the courtyard as if it was expected, if not just a tad late, for an appointment. It had a strange and lilting language, one that we were unaccustomed to in our day to day lives. We were nervous and felt awkward around it, but we did not feel threatened. And so we naturally came to the conclusion that this little biped was a visitor from outer space!

It's easy to see how we would make such an assumption: the helmet on the head, the beeping and the chirping noises, the silver space suit...

Turns out we were wrong. It was just a guinea fowl on the lam. Surely there was a crazed French Chef somewhere out there cursing loudly and shaking his fist and cleaver in the air. I like to think that this little guy made it safely to sanctuary and that the French Chef is huddled in the corner of his kitchen, rocking back and forth, a broken and defeated man.

Trilogy

2006-07-26T23:11:00.000-05:00

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Where's that Dawnie? What's she up to? It's awfully quiet around here. Maybe I should go check on her because she might be in the closet eating paste." Well, I'm not eating paste so quit worrying. I haven't eaten any paste in months. Cripes.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Dawnie goes out every day into a world very different from Dawnieland to earn some money so that Dawnieland is economically sound. This allows all you citizens out there to not have to pay taxes for your beautiful lakefront Dawnieland property. (Although I'm not sure why I don't tax you, ya buncha ingrates...)

So in this other world we are at a sort of harvest time called "year end". Unfortunately, it's not about ripe apples and luscious pumpkins and frisky pagan rituals. It's more about loads of paper and frowny faces and lost lunch hours. This "year end" comes in three stages: Fiscal Year End, Fiscal Year End II: The Suckening, and Fiscal Year End III: The Final Conflict. Having just completed The Suckening, I am now in the midst of The Final Conflict. So mostly I come back to Dawnieland feeling beat up and cranky.

But soon The Final Conflict will end, and you and I, fair citizens, can spend more quality time together singing songs of sea battles with pirate ghosts while roasting marshmallows over an open pit of burning ghouls. Won't that be nice?

Anti... what, exactly?

2006-07-24T23:20:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Citizens of Dawnieland! I take it from the dearth of comments that you are all holding your hands to your mouths, aghast that I may not have emerged from behind the Cheddar Curtain. Fear not! For I have prevailed!

I got to see all six of my nieces and nephews, all of whom are better looking and much more intelligent than yours. All in robust good health. All, that is, except for the youngest who had a touch of the ague, which made him cry. A lot. But of course, unlike most infants, his cry is a melodic and soothing sound that brings to mind idyllic green pastures or the rush of ocean waves.

Each of these darling and precocious children has taken to calling me "Anti." I'm not quite sure what it is they think I am opposed to, but they aren't about to let me know any time soon. I shall have to investigate further.

In the meantime, I must rest my brain. Keeping up intellectually with such superior beings is quite trying. Especially when, like me, you suffer from mental apathy. It's tragic.

Wisconsin Death Trip

2006-07-20T19:57:00.000-05:00

The Mister and I are headed over the border again tomorrow. This time into a strange and fragrant land called by its inhabitants Black River Falls. It is also the home of a giant moose that happens to be orange. This town is featured prominently in one of my favorite reads.

I don't get up there too often since it's quite a haul from the Toddling Town. I have not a few genetic relations who reside in this settlement, though for the life of me, I couldn't tell you why. If you have read Mr. Lesy's book, and then decide to go there for a spell, you'd soon come to realize that not much has changed, except for maybe the fashions. Though I'm sure then, as now, dungarees were all the rage. There's just more womenfolk wearing them nowadays is all.

Besides the orange moose, a couple local high points are the Norske Nook in Osseo, and the Cranberry Discovery Center in Warrens. As you can probably tell, there's not much to do in the area besides eat food. (Well, other than drink, gamble and shoot your gun.)

If we survive, I'll post more when we've returned safely to civilization.

Just Say No

2006-07-19T23:01:00.000-05:00

Now that we've celebrated cannibals in story and song, I want to tell all you kids out there in Dawnieland that eating people is wrong. It just is. So don't even start. There used to be an alternative, less "addictive" way to satisfy your curiosity about long pig, but this guy went and ruined it for everyone. Now you can't have that big Donner Party you've been planning for the past 6 months. That blizzard probably won't come anyway, what with all the global warming and all.

Since You Asked

2006-07-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

This is the best song about cannibals. Ever.

The Ballad of Sawney Bean

Go ye not by Gallowa'
Come bide a while, my frein
I'll tell ye o' the dangers there;
Beware o' Sawney Bean.

There's naebody kens that he bides there
For his face is seldom seen
But tae meet his eye is tae meet your fate
At the hands o' Sawney Bean.

For Sawney he has ta'en a wife
And he's hungry bairns tae wean
And he's raised them up on the flesh o' men
In the cave o' Sawney Bean.

And Sawney has been well endowed
Wi daughters young and lean
And they a' hae taen their faither's seed
In the cave o' Sawney Bean.

An Sawney's sons are young an strong
And their blades are sharp and keen
Tae spill the blood o travellers
Wha meet wi Sawney Bean.

So if you ride frae there tae here
Be ye wary in between
Lest they catch your horse and spill your blood
In the cave o' Sawney Bean

They'll hing ye ap an cut yer throat
An they'll pick yer carcass clean
An they'll yase yer banes tae quiet the weans
In the cave o' Sawney Bean.

But fear ye not, oor Captain rides
On an errand o' the Queen
And he carries the writ of fire and sword
For the head o' Sawney Bean.

They've hung them high in Edinburgh toon
An likewise a' their kin
An the wind blaws cauld on a' their banes
An tae hell they a' hae gaen.

No More Monkey

2006-07-17T22:33:00.000-05:00

Well, sadness broke out in Dawnieland today. Serious Monkey will soon be no more. In its place, I will link with Monkey Critic, which is just as wonderfully silly. Until it is down completely, go on over to Serious Monkey and tell them how much you will miss them. Or at least tell them how much I will miss them.

No! I'm not crying! I just got something in my eye!

Armageddon

2006-07-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

It's too damned hot to write anything. I'm convinced it's the End Times. So in preparation for the Great Old One's awakening, I send you here. Perhaps you will be worthy and He will communicate with your fleshy mammalian mind before he consumes you. Or not.

Man-Eating Fish!

2006-07-16T17:15:00.000-05:00

And by that, I don’t mean some guy down at the corner McDonald’s scarfing down a Filet-o-fish. I mean swarming, killer minnows!

For some reason yesterday, The Mister and I thought it would be a good idea to have some “fun” in the summer air. We abducted our newlywed friends and ran them over state lines to the Renaissance Fair. It was hot. Real hot. The kind of hot that when some smart mouth says “Ah! At last! Summer is finally here!” you want to punch him in the neck, but you don’t have the energy because all of your vital fluids are evaporating.

After surviving our death march around the fairgrounds, we saw an inviting sight before our sweat-stung eyes: A quiet and gently rippling river crossed by a quaint board-walk bridge. Thinking this would be a welcome respite from the angry and vengeful weather, we walked over the bridge to enjoy the scenery. The water was a cool and calm green with peaceful koi and serene turtles gently swimming in tune with their own inner harmonies. I glanced down over the edge of the bridge and noticed a school of minnows looking up at us eagerly.

I wasn’t sure at first, but then I heard it, clear as day. They were singing!

Dive down, dive down in the cool, cool deep
Dive down, dive down and we’ll sing you to sleep*

My will was not my own. I could feel my head sinking lower and lower toward the water. Somewhere in the distance I heard a soft splash. Blinking my eyes, I scanned the water to see where the noise was coming from. In the middle of the river, an ancient, wise-looking turtle looked me directly in the eyes and slowly and deliberately shook his shaggy, algae-covered head. Then he dove back deep down into the murky water.

Shaken from my trance, I looked over at my companions. They were looking dazed and pale, staring into the water. “Come on!” I cried, alarmed. “Let’s get across this bridge! Quickly!” We hurried to the other side, as fast as the heat and our groggy heads permitted.

As we got back on land, I glanced back over my shoulder and saw one minnow wading at the bank nearest us. It narrowed its eyes at me and licked its lips -- at least the part of its face where lips would be if it had any. Then it turned and rejoined the rest of the horde as they quietly stalked over to the other side of the bridge where a young family was beginning to cross. I shuddered and continued on with my companions.

And so, Dear Reader, let this be a warning to you! If you ever find yourself at the Bristol Renaissance Fair, beware – BEWARE – the Minnows! They've acquired a taste for human flesh!

*apologies to The Handsome Family

Yes, But Is It Art?

2006-07-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

That damned hack photographer Roe V. Wade was out in front of the Art Institute again this afternoon. So annoying! He thinks he’s so “edgy” showing off his oversized photos in front of a major museum. Hah! I bet the curators roll their eyes in contempt at his paltry ambitions! I guess Mr. Wade thinks major art museums purchase objects from just about anywhere. Provenance, Sir! Board approval! Not to mention artistic merit!

It’s really quite sad watching failed artists desperately trying to get noticed. I suppose the subject matter that Mr. Wade is presenting is meant to “shock” and force the viewer to react emotionally. I’m sorry to inform, however, that this tactic has been done before and in a much more graceful and painterly manner.

But what, exactly, is Mr. Wade trying to present to us? As far as my eyes can tell, these pieces are merely a series of photographs of Kate Moss covered in gravy. Perhaps this would have been considered avant-garde in the swinging '60s, but in this day and age of post-irony and ultra-pessimism, super-models and food are an archaic topic. Mr. Wade’s composition of his photos is erratic at best, with little or no feel for color or line, or even focus. And I’m not quite sure that Mr. Wade is entirely adept with his medium, since the materials were obviously suffering in the moist summer heat of mid-day Chicago.

Mr. Wade, I beg you: Please keep your photographic hobby within the confines of your friends and family who may be more kind than the outside world will be. Your clumsy attempts at artistry only prove to be disgraceful and obvious.

RIP

2006-07-12T07:41:00.000-05:00

Syd Barrett died. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Chi Chai Monchan

2006-07-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

Save some room on your plates, kids, I’m going to serve up a big bowl of blog!

Let’s talk about monkeys! What’s not to love about monkeys? Our cute little genetic cousins just make us squeak with delight, don’t they though? I’m particularly fond of cartoon monkeys. Just take Sanrio’s Chi Chai Monchan. He’s pink. He wears a coconut on his head. Sometimes. He rides around in his pirate banana-shaped boat. Sometimes. His jolly roger is a banana and crossbones! How cool is that? I ask you.

I don’t know what it is about him. Maybe it’s that his face is only vaguely simian and mostly smiley face. Kind of like the Olsen twins. Maybe they should have their own area at the zoo too? I'm just saying.

But I probably shouldn’t get too close to these monkeys, you know? Even if they are cute, monkeys are known to throw their poops. Plus that whole ebola virus thing. (Again, kind of like the Olsen twins.) It would all end in heartbreak. And all those disposable diapers! Disposable diapers are number 28 on my list of why I never want to bear children, so I guess I shouldn't use them for monkeys. (Or the Olsen twins, for that matter. But hey, they can buy their own nose, they can buy their own diapers. Harumph.)

Okay. So I guess I didn't have as much to say about monkeys as I thought.

7/12/06 Late breaking update! I've been enlightened! There is a whole blog site called Serious Monkey devoted to monkeys! Go there! Follow the link under the links list!

Adventures in Dawnieland

2006-07-01T12:54:00.000-05:00

Doo pee doo pee doo.

There I was sitting on the el minding my own business. I had my iPod a-rocking and was dozing off, when I heard this REALLY LOUD VOICE and decided, hey -- what if this is one of those situations where some dude grabs a baby and tells everyone to hit the floor or the baby gets it? Because I don't know about you, but that stuff happens to me all the time. So I turned off the music and listened to what was going on and tried to remember what survival skill I even had.

Well, it wasn't a hostage situation, but it's still pretty interesting. This guy was testifying about his vision that this demon (who appears to him every morning at 2:05 am on the dot) gave to him. There was a large pit (he described how big it was by how many trucks you could drive into it) and inside this pit were ghouls. In immaculate suits. And behind the ghouls were sawblades. (Points for you if you guessed that some of the ghouls were missing limbs!) Then he started to let us know what the metaphors of this vision were. I think the sawblades represented lies and the ghouls had something to do with magic and sorcery.

He let us all know that we were all welcome to share this vision with our friends and neighbors. You know, the vision provided by this demon. And the demon's name? The demon's name was... Sad and Delicious.